


Bending and Breaking

by FairyLights101



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe, Amputee, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Blood, Cat, Death, Flashbacks, Fluff, Half these people die, Healing, M/M, Mental Illness, Modern, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prosthetics, Psychological Torture, Recovery, Romance, SO SORRY, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, So much death, Torture, Triggers, Violence, War, did I mention death?, eruri - Freeform, not really - Freeform, phantom limb syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-15 23:03:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 31,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3465320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairyLights101/pseuds/FairyLights101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They found him in a hospital in that country, anonymous, half-conscious, barely alive - and they brought him home. But it's harder to readjust, especially with the weight of sixteen months of horror and guilt fresh on his mind. Levi hasn't broken yet - somehow - but he's so close. And maybe now that he's home, he can finally break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alright guys, the shit in the tags applies to EVERY chapter. This is your warning. Also, the country that they are warring against is AMBIGUOUS, ANONYMOUS, MADE UP, etc. Not real, not Islamic. I just wanna nip that in the bud right here and now.

“He won’t be the same as you remember.” The hushed voice of his doctor floated through the airwaves, filling his head, the words vibrating as their meaning sank in. “The time over there changed him. He’s covered in scar tissue and had countless broken bones, most of which healed properly through some miracle. We’ve also diagnosed him with a fairly severe case of PTSD.”

“I understand.” Another voice, deep and rich in pitch. Familiar. One he hadn’t heard for so long. One he couldn’t name. Or maybe he just wouldn’t let himself name it. Because hope was a deadly thing. _And maybe this is just a dream. Maybe I’m finally dead._

The door opened, light breaking his darkness. A light flicked on, sterile, white, hard. Too bright. His head snapped to the side, eyes clenched shut at the sudden assault on his vision. Light, any light, was too much after so long in the dark, after so much sleep. The light disappeared, leaving them in near darkness.

Dull gray eyes cracked open once more as heels clicked against the white tile. He glanced over to drink in the details of his visitor.

The visitor was tall and well-built. His blonde hair was immaculate, not a strand out of place. A strong, square jaw. Plain white button up, a bolo tie, black slacks. The sleeve of his right arm ended above where his elbow would have been, tied tight over the stump. Gray orbs flicked back up to settle on the man’s face – his eyes. Bright blues: calculating, intelligent, but warm. Familiar eyes. Ones that helped sweep the cobwebs from his memories, stowed away for so long.

Dry, cracked lips parted. “Erwin?” His voice was a rasp, a mere ghost of its former self.

“Yeah. I’m glad you remember… Levi.”

A wry snort escaped Levi’s throat as his lips curled into a sneer. “Lost my mind, not my memory, asshole.” Not as much fire anymore. Pathetic.

Erwin pulled a chair up next to Levi’s bed and sank into it, lines of dimming sunlight painted across his face. “It’s been a long time,” the blonde murmured. “I’m glad you escaped.”

“No thanks to the general or those other assholes.”

“Levi…” Erwin sighed. His perfect white teeth sank into his bottom lip for a second, slight hesitation as he gathered his thoughts. A rare thing for Erwin. Understandable considering the circumstances. “They tried. We tried to find you but we couldn’t. The insurgents didn’t even try to make contact. In the chaos of the battle we couldn’t even begin to guess where you might have been. Not with so many wounded.”

“Whatever.” He was bitter. So damn bitter. That tended to happen after so long without hope. After struggling to survive another day in Hell for God knew how long. It didn’t matter anyway. What was one soldier’s worth in the grand scheme of things?

“They thought you were dead. You just disappeared.” Erwin’s hand clenched on his knee but his gaze never left Levi’s. “We held your funeral.” Those were words one never expected to hear. “You received the Medal of Honor.” He didn’t seem surprised when Levi didn’t react to either bit of news.

The medal was big news. Any other time, Levi would have at least cracked a smile. He wasn’t sure if he was capable of that anymore. Hell, any feeling or emotion except for rage, agony, and terror had long since become foreign. So they stared at each other for a long time, silence settling between them. Just like old times. When minds and bodies were hold and they were still green recruits, fresh on the battlefield. Erwin broke it first.

“I came here for another reason. Your apartment was sold when you were declared deceased. Zoe and I stored the belongings you valued in a storage locker until we could go through it.” _When their grief died down._ “You need a place to stay. I have room. And I’m sure you’d rather live with me than Zoe.”

Levi blinked at his old friend, dim gray orbs studying him for a moment. “I suppose.”

Erwin smirked at him. That smug bastard. “Good. I wasn’t going to take no for an answer anyway.”

“Naturally.” Someone else knocked on the door, bringing their heads up. A woman stood in the doorway, long, dark hair pulled back into a rough ponytail. Her clothes were rumpled, like she’d just rolled out of bed. “Levi!” Zoe Hange rushed in, her deep brown eyes shining with relief, joy, and tears. “ _OhmyGod_ Levi!” Her arms spread out wide as she swooped in, ready to wrap him in a massive hug.

The small soldier jerked back into the hospital bed, shrinking away from Zoe. No weapons. Nowhere to run. He wasn’t even sure his legs could hold him up at the moment. _Rip her throat out. Protect yourself. Live. Survive._

“Levi.” His entire body was rigid and burning up as his mind tore itself from the grip of the darkness. A heart monitor beeped in the background, the little blips of sound rapid, a betrayal to the pulse that would have been hidden otherwise.

Zoe and Erwin both stared at him. The brunette bit her lip to hold back her tears but they trickled down anyway. He wanted to apologize. To say that he was fine, that it was nothing major. That he’d get over it. But he’d known others plagued by the memories of their tours. They’d gone mad. Well, he was at least halfway there.

“Hey Shitty-Glasses,” he managed to choke out around the blockade in his throat, his voice surprisingly steady.

She shot him a watery smile. When she leaned in to hug him the second time she was slower. Careful. Like he’d break if she squeezed too hard. _Maybe I will._ “Hey Levi… I’m so glad you’re back…”

“Me too,” he mumbled into her shoulder as she started to sob on his shoulder, her entire body shaking and trembling. He would have berated her for her filthy crying but she needed it. She’d just gotten her friend back from the dead. She didn’t let go for a long time. Levi didn’t begrudge her for it.

He didn’t even complain about the tears or try to pull away from the contact that unsettled him, making his body tense up, ready to fight or flee. Instead he leaned into her shoulder, listening to her sniff and try to regain her composure, at which she failed miserably. Because he was alive. Despite the odds, oxygen still filled his lungs, his eyes could still see their ugly world.

 

* * *

 

The bags hit the floor with a soft thud, not heavy enough to make a louder noise. Erwin shut the door as Levi stepped further into the house.

The décor was less sparse than it had been four years before. The blonde had gotten a new couch and TV, bought some plants that were thriving somehow, and put out a few knickknacks from his travels.  It was clean. Not hospital clean, but it was still decent. It met his standards for the time being. It was certainly better than Zoe’s mess, especially if it was still the same as he’d remembered.

“I’m going to take a shower. Do you need anything before I go?”

Levi shook his head, his long bangs falling into his eyes. _Need to get these cut._

A large, warm palm settled on his shoulder for a moment. He tensed up at the touch, teeth clenched in an effort to remain still, to not turn around, flip Erwin onto his back, and ram a hand beneath his chin to choke the life from him. The hand pulled away a second later as Erwin disappeared down the hall to take his shower. He must have sensed the things that radiated off Levi: hostility; discomfort; uncertainty. _Fear_.

Blank grays wandered around the living room, surveying it with little interest. So little had changed in the four years, yet nothing was the same. _He_ wasn’t the same. Levi sighed, hands clenching in his jacket pockets as he wandered over to the black shelves that lined one wall, laden with a plethora of books and picture frames.

Slender pale hands curled around a frame, desert camouflage in color and design. Two men stood in the picture, one a good foot taller than the other. Their helmets were tucked beneath their arms, guns clutched in their hands, heavy gear strapped across their chests.

Erwin had that slight smile of his, mysterious as the Mona Lisa yet calculating, like he’d come up with some brilliant plan he wasn’t quite ready to divulge. He probably had before that picture had been taken. Levi stood beside him, brown smooth and face carefully blank. But there was a glint in his eyes, one of determination.

Something he didn’t have anymore.

He’d lost it long ago. Not in the first firefight. Not in the second. He’d lost it the moment he’d seen _them_ lying on the ground, bleeding out. When he desperately worked to save them first, always them first. In that picture they were fresh on the battlefield. Full of hope, eager to take on the insurgents that threatened their country and lives. Whole, mentally and physically. About to descend into Hell. No. Not Hell. Hell didn’t contain innocents. Couldn’t produce that terror, that torment.

_Heavy boots slapped the sandy, rocky earth as they darted through the town. Dry cracks, pops, and rat-tat-tats of gunfire filled the air, mixing with the shouts, the screams, and the explosions. The gear dug into him, weighed him down, made him slow. Too slow. The hot, dry air sucked the breath right from his lungs as it baked his mouth._

_Agony exploded in his side, white hot and consuming. Someone screamed his name as he hit the ground. His blood-stained gloved hands clawed at the ground, dragging him to something to help him stand despite the inferno in his side._

_A face splattered with blood, blue eyes clamped shut from shock. An arm half gone, ending in a jagged stump. Going back. Blood. So much blood. Hands around his throat. Knife in his side. Pain. So much. An unbearable amount. Enough to make a man go mad. Darkness._

“Levi! Levi!” A rough hand shook his shoulders, jerked him back. His limbs were frozen, eyes wide and unfocused. Everything suddenly snapped into place, making sense. They focused on the white ceiling above, then on the patch of blonde hair above him, still damp with water and sudsy.

Agony burned in his side, the ghostly pain sucking the breath right out of him. Levi’s chest and throat burned, desperate for the air he was starved of, raw from screaming. The soldier sucked down a breath, bringing relief to his desperate lungs. The hand on his shoulder ceased shaking him and pinned him instead. Blue orbs bright with concern stared into him, rapidly examining everything, considering.

The second that hand loosened, Levi lunged up. His hands latched onto Erwin, fingers digging into those sturdy, muscular arms. His ear collided with warm, damp skin. Beneath it, a strong heart thundered rhythmically against Erwin’s ribcage. Against Levi.

Every beat was a word. _Alive. Safe. Alive. Home. Alive. Alive. Alive._

The whole arm moved beneath his hand as Erwin wrapped Levi in a tight, comforting embrace. It was rare to say the least but the fact that Erwin was hugging someone, especially him, was anything but important at the moment.

He welcomed it. The warmth, not necessarily the touch. Warmth meant life. Heartbeat meant life. Erwin was alive. They sat in silence like that for a long time, Levi gasping and shivering from the memories, Erwin calm and sturdy in the storm Levi had almost drowned in.

The picture frame lay beside them, shattered glass covering the wooden floorboards and scattered in every direction. The picture was intact at least. Unlike them.

 

* * *

 

Sleep was an elusive little bitch, slipping through his fingers every time he grabbed at its oily hide. He’d been staring at the ceiling for five hours, waiting for it to come knock him in the head. Waiting. Levi’s feet touched the ground as he quietly rose from the bed. Light steps carried him from the room.

The house was cloaked in darkness. Not like the darkness of the desert, but close enough. He didn’t remember if the stars were visible where Erwin lived. Where he’d once lived. It’d been too long. Levi needed to see them, needed to go outside. The walls trapped him, suffocating in their proximity.

He’d been inside a room, trapped between four thick walls of cinderblocks for sixteen months. His body ached for freedom, for fresh air that didn’t reek of dust and death. Levi slipped outside, bare feet settling onto the soft wood of the porch.

It wasn’t too cold outside. Warmer than it was at night in the desert. Clean, cool air filled his lungs, rich with the scent of earth, of _life_. Free of the reek of gunpowder, spilled gaso _line, blood, and dust._

Levi’s teeth snapped together as he choked down the memories, beat them back with a stick. He didn’t want to see them again or relive that Hell. His feet moved, carrying him down the steps. Damp grass brushed the soles of his feet. Such a strange feeling.

It was amazing how much he’d taken for granted. How much he’d missed it all. The small soldier tipped his head back, lackluster grays slowly opening to peer at the sky. No moon. No stars. Nothing but a flat sheet of hard black that glared back at him as it pressed down on him, crushing him. _Nothing’s the same._

“Levi?” The soldier glanced back at the porch. Erwin stood at the doorway. He’d at least had the sense to put on shoes and a jacket. He’d always been a wuss when it came to the cold. Or maybe Levi had just gotten used to it when he was trapped in that cellar, untouched by the warmth of the sun. “You’re going to freeze.”

Good. Levi’s arms crossed over his bare chest, covering some of the scars. The ones that were on display for the entire world, a map for them to read about his last sixteen months if they could read it properly. “I’m fine.”

Erwin’s dry chuckle reached him even though it was soft, just like always. That hadn’t changed. _Thank God_. “Come in anyway. I’ll make us some tea.”

Tea. Something he hadn’t had in so damn long. Not since the dinner on the night before their last mission began. “… Fine.” His feet were wet but at least his sweats were dry. Mainly because he had to roll the legs up so they’d fit since they were too damn long for his short stature.

Soon, the sweet aroma of tea filled the house, intoxicating as Levi inhaled the delicious, almost forgotten scent. Levi didn’t even wait for the cups or liquid to cool before he plucked it up, steam curling across his palm, positioned over the top of the cup. Something else that hadn’t changed. Black tea. His favorite. “You remember.”

Erwin’s head bobbed as he blew on his own cup. “Zoe and I… we drank a cup for you on your birthday and Thanksgiving. Our birthdays too, along with the birthdays of the others you saved.”

Levi hummed and took a sip so he could evade answering, dull gray orbs shutting as the taste of scalding black tea filled his mouth. He didn’t know how to respond. Hell, he wasn’t even sure he could. How did one respond to that, that their friends raised a glass in honor of their dead friend who turned out to be living?

“Could you not sleep?”

Levi stared at the mug of tea for a few moments, mulling over the answer. Lying was tempting but he’d done enough of that. Too much. “No.”

Erwin nodded and sipped at his own tea. “They told me you barely slept in the hospital.”

Levi didn’t bother to answer. _You wouldn’t sleep either. Not with those images in your head._

Soft blue orbs bored into him. “Maybe you should try sleeping pills.”

“I don’t give a shit,” Levi muttered. Quiet feet carried him into the living room. Erwin’s heavier footsteps followed close behind. The pale gray couch dipped beneath them as they sank into its plush confines without spilling their hot tea everywhere. They were silent, just like they had been when they were younger and still in college.

The small soldier didn’t really like it. Too much silence and too little English in the last sixteen months of his life. He didn’t want to break it. He didn’t even know _how_ to. Not anymore. Not that he’d been particularly good at doing that in the first place. “The press is going to be all over you until they release your account of what happened.”

“I know.” And he’d have to relive sixteen months of war when he just wanted to forget. Not that he could.

“I know Zoe wants to know. So do I. But we won’t press you to talk about it. You come to us when you feel you can talk about it.”

Tired, dull gray eyes flicked up to Erwin, finding intelligent sky blues. “Thank you.” _For everything._ His heart couldn’t help but skip a beat when Erwin flashed him a small smile. The same one he’d fallen for years ago. “Erwin.”

“Yeah?”

“… Petra… Oluo… Erd… are they?”

Long fingers raked through his blonde hair, disturbing it from its normally immaculate place. “Petra and Oluo made it. They’re married now. Erd didn’t. He lived for a few days before he passed. There was too much internal damage.” Levi nodded, sick on his stomach. Hearing about them hurt, sucker punch in his gut. “Mind if I turn on the news?”

“No.”

Soft blue light filled the room, soon followed by calm, soothing voices describing the day’s events. Levi leaned back into the couch and stretched his legs, the joints popping and cracking pleasantly. Those pops and cracks were different than the ones he’d heard for sixteen months. They were good sounds. Ones that didn’t bring on waves of memories.

His tea was gone, he was comfortable, it was dark. The minutes outside had cleared his head. Sleep dragged at his eyes, pulling them down. He managed to keep them half-open for another thirty minutes before he succumbed to the draw of sleep, eyes fluttering shut, mind drifting off as a different news report began to play.

_“Two weeks ago, Corporal Levi Ackerman was discovered in a hospital, an unknown man amidst dozens of injured troops in the desert nation. Corporal Ackerman was formerly presumed dead as he went missing for sixteen months. He received the Medal of Honor at his funeral for risking his life – and dying, as we previously thought – to rescue and recover eight of his fellow soldiers, attempting to rescue a ninth before he disappeared. They have yet to release details of his debriefing, yet a reliable source said that he was kidnapped and held hostage for sixteen months by the insurgents._

_“The corporal…”_

 

* * *

 

Warm. He was warm. Something soft cushioned his head, plush and smooth. A blanket? It smelled like coffee, rich and strong. Familiar. Levi nuzzled the soft fabric, reveling in its scent and texture as his eyes cracked open.

Early dawn light streamed in through half-shut curtains. His limbs were stretched out, cat-like and luxurious. A blue and gray blanket was draped over him, swamping him with its size, meant more for someone like Erwin than him. It was great. A nice place to sleep.  Until he glanced up.

Erwin’s sleeping face filled his vision, peaceful, smooth, but retaining the strength and dignity he always wore His hair was a little mussed, a little stubble on his cheeks. Levi wanted to reach up and touch that strong chin, kiss those thin, pale lips. A sneer curled his own lips upward. _That’ll never happen. Not for someone fucked up like me._

The corporal rose, carefully – reluctantly – pulling his head away from the soft pillow of Erwin’s thigh. His feet carried him away from the place he longed to stay at. They took him to the room Erwin had given him. The clothes Erwin had gotten from the storage locker were already packed away, barely filling half of the dresser. His books, all ten of them, were on the desk, along with his laptop.

The pictures were still in a box, untouched.

Levi wasn’t sure he would do anything with them any time soon. Too many memories. Ones that would lead to others he just wanted to forget.  

His fingers trailed across the smooth wood of the desk and stopped at his Special Forces knife. He didn’t know what to do. It was all so strange, being home – or at Erwin’s home. So much had changed, yet so little had as well. _He_ had changed. Changed in ways that he couldn’t describe or imagine. It was all so damn confusing.

He wanted to do nothing more than go back to the way things had been. Before they’d been shipped off to the desert. Before they’d gone through training. Before they’d enlisted. Back to when they were in high school caring about little more than the normal, stupid, angsty teen things. Before the war had started and they’d gotten the bright idea to join the a- sudden knocks brought his head around, body twisting to confront whoever had made the noise.

Cold anger marred his face, his eyes dark and dull. The Special Forces knife handle dug into his palm, his knuckles white from the grip he had on it. Erwin stood in the doorway, blonde eyes not a hair wider, his face smooth and calm. Only the concern in his beautiful cerulean orbs gave anything away. _Erwin… not an insurgent_. “Are you alright, Levi?”

_No_. “Yes. Just startled me, you asshole.” His fingers managed to loosen around the knife as Erwin stared at him for a few more moments.

“Alright… Breakfast will be ready soon.”

Levi turned his back on Erwin, fighting to get his face calm. Fighting to not leap across the room and dig the knife into his throat. He wanted to survive. The door shut with a click behind him. Erwin was gone. His hands clenched, nails digging into his palms. He was fucked up. Ruined. _I should have fucking died over there_. The soldier let go of the knife, let it clatter to the desktop before he wandered over to the window.

Thick gray fog covered the world outside, concealing the ground and trees surrounding Erwin’s house with its suffocating blanket. If he could disappear into that fog forever he would, but the damn fog wouldn’t last and he couldn’t melt into it, into _nothing_.

Loud pops drew on his attention, dragging him back to reality as they sucked his breath away. The smell of cooking food was faint but all he could associate with that sound was gunfire, loud and jarring and constant. The sounds of normal, everyday life were almost unrecognizable. Even the sound of bacon popping in the frying pan had been warped.

Every sound had been twisted. Replaced with another. Replaces with the memories of sounds that made him flinch. He despised it all. That cool stoic exterior he had was broken. Just like he was. The next crack was loud. Deafening. _Gunfire_.

Levi hit the ground, bullets sailing overhead. Dust flew into his eyes and mouth, stinging and stifling. Another crack split the air, close by. Screams suddenly filled the air, loud and saturated with agony, a God-awful shriek of despair and fear.

Another crack cut the scream off, left a wake of silence in its place broken only by the fainter sounds of gunfire. Levi crawled across the ground, boots scraping the ground, elbows pulling him forward in an army crawl. Faster than he’d ever gone before. Pixis would have worn that stupid little smirk of his if he could have seen, proud of how efficient and capable his soldiers were.

The small, dust-caked man rolled beneath a bench and pressed his back to the smooth stone wall of the house behind it. The shadows fell over his body, providing some fairly pathetic but hopefully decent cover for the time being. Especially since he was little more than a sitting duck. No gun. That had been lost, ripped from his arms by an insurgent and left behind when he’d been forced to flee or be shot. The grenades were gone, all used up. All he had was the knife.

_I’m so fucked._ Footsteps approached, dirt crunching beneath heavy boots. Levi tensed, ready to lunge out from beneath the bench, ready to thrust the blade into the chest of an enemy.

“Breakfast is ready!”

Confused grays blinked at the voice. So familiar. But the words sure as hell didn’t fit. No one would be talking about breakfast during a firefight. He blinked again. Everything had frozen in place. Holes appeared in everything he could see, like they’d been burned into a map. Another blink. They were larger, larger, steadily growing.

The desert façade fell away, replaced with shadows, wood, carpet, the smell of food and lavender air freshener. He was still and Erwin’s house. Under the bed. That wasn’t the illusion, the hallucination. Not anymore.

“Levi?” Erwin knocked on the door.

“’Kay.” His voice was weak but it didn’t waver. Erwin didn’t respond so it must have been convincing enough to get by.

Levi released a dry, rattling breath, his aching lungs filling up with fresh air as he crawled out from beneath the bed. One breath. He stood on shaky legs. Two breaths. He smoothed his hair back into some order; picked the dust fluff out of it. Three breaths. The ex-soldier left the room.

 

* * *

 

The blade was so heavy in his hands, light gleaming off its polished surface. He’s managed to hold onto it despite the odds. He’d _killed_ a man to get it back. Taken a chair leg and brought it down on his skull until it was little more than a bloody pulp with bone and brain mixed in before he pulled the knife from the corpse. So much blood had been shed because of it. More would. But no one else would be hurt from it.

Erwin’s quiet snores were audible through the walls – the blonde was out cold. Hopefully he’d stay that way for a while. With luck he’d remain sound asleep. Unable to witness what Levi was about to do. What he hadn’t done in years. He didn’t want to feel. Just wanted to be blissfully _numb_. Levi wanted all of it to drain away; the pain, the sorrow, the agony, the torment.

The ex-soldier pressed the blade against his wrist. The skin was pale and smooth. One almost couldn’t see the scars there from years before, so faint now. Those straight, faint pink lines that had once been ugly, fresh scars on his pale flesh. Skin that was about to turn red.

They’d just be a few more scars, meaningless and unnoticed on the ruined canvas of his body. But they’d mean _so damn much_. The blade bit into his skin as he dragged it across, blood welling up in its wake.

_Petra_. Her face bloody as he carried her to the helicopter. More pain, but it was faint. More of a twinge really. _Erd_. Screaming for him to leave as Levi tried to stem the tide of blood that gushed from his wounds.

_Oluo_. His pale face staring up at Levi, begging God to let him live; begging Levi to leave him, to save himself; his eyes pleading, hoping he would stay in this life. _Gunther_. Already dead when Levi reached him, his chest riddled with bloody holes, his eyes painfully blank.

_Zoe_. Screaming at him to get out, that it was too dangerous as she tried to keep Erwin from bleeding out. _Nanaba_. Unconscious as he carried her out, head lolled back, limp as a doll with blood flowing down her forehead.

_Mike_. Blood soaking his right side, then soaking Levi as he slowly hauled the heavier, taller man out. Feeling his heart stop as he carried him. _Erwin_. A crimson tide spilling onto the ground, his arm nowhere to be seen after it had been torn away by the massive blade.

Blood spilled down his arm, formed streams on his palm, and dripped into the sink where the droplets stained the white enamel red. Hopefully it wouldn’t be permanent. With every drop he watched fall a little more of those dreaded feelings drained away from him, no matter how temporary his solution was. Self-loathing; anger; fear; sorrow; desperation. All replaced by a chilled, welcomed numbness that Levi embraced with open arms.

It drowned everything out, welling up and dripping away in every drop of blood. Levi shuddered as he drowned in that numbing tide of red. Gray eyes flickered open – the world around him wavered, dizziness slamming into the small ex-soldier. Too much blood lost at his pitiful weight, painting the sink a disturbing color.

The knife hit the counter with a heavy thunk – one that by all rights should have woken Erwin but the blonde’s soft, endearing snores kept going. The faucet twisted with the faintest of squeaks and brought slowly warming water cascading over his arm. Felt good.

The water washed over his skin, cleansing it slowly as it stripped away all the blood from his marred flesh, stinging as the blistering hot water filled the cuts. Levi dragged his hand across the slashed skin, washing away the blood and everything it stood for – the people, the feelings, the memories.

He left his arm beneath the stream as he fumbled, quietly, for the bandages he knew Erwin kept. His hand closed around the rolls of bandages and gauze. Luckily, the towel he pressed to his arm was already dark red when he finally pulled it out to dry his arm before he wrapped it.

Levi’s movements were quick and practiced as he wrapped his arm from wrist to elbow, tightly binding the wounds. Uncomfortably tight. But the discomfort and pain that the tightness brought helped ground him. It was nothing he couldn’t bear either, so what did it matter?

Blood welled up, dark stains of corruption against the fresh, clean bandages. Levi staggered back, pressed against the wall, and slide down until his knees were pressed into his chest, body hunched over. Cold. He was so cold.

Trembling fingers dug into his skin, fighting down the memories that threatened to rise. Trying not to think of the blood as anyone else’s. As Erwin’s, Zoe’s, Petra’s, Gunther’s, Oluo’s, Erd’s. It was his. _Only_ his.

And Erwin would never know of the darkness and regret and agony that chewed at his heart. The blonde shouldn’t – couldn’t – know. It would only hurt him. _I’m tired of hurtin’ those around me…_ He didn’t know how long he sat there, gray eyes wide and dead, before he rose. His sleeve fell to hide his arm – and the bandages – once more.

Blissfully numb hands pulled cleaning products out from beneath the sink. His hands were almost completely steady as he started to move, his body moving as his mind stayed frozen on the image of his bloody hands and the feeling, trying to make it last as long as possible. His body knew what it had to do.

Spray. Scrub. Rise. Wipe. Spray. Scrub. Mindless, senseless movements. Clean. Cleanse the filth from his surroundings in an effort to inadvertently, symbolically scrub himself clean. Things grew clearer. He grew darker. Levi couldn’t process what he was doing, where he was. He just knew his hands had to move. Move or sink into the murk of his mind.

At some point a strong, gentle arm wrapped around him, halting him. The touch didn’t break the numb haze that swamped him, even when it scooped him up, his back braced against a stump, head nestled into a shoulder.

_Smells nice._

A clear thought, the first in a while, as he breathed in a heavenly scent. The aroma of coffee and some kind of fruity aftershave. His hands itched to move but with the mindless movement gone his body was suddenly heavy. Like he was the sky and the person who cradled him was Atlas. And the heavens were drained. Tired. But sleep had horrific dreams. Memories. “No…” So soft, so quiet.

“Shh Levi. It’s alright. I’ll be there with you.” Levi heard the words but they didn’t make sense. Not quite. Not anymore.

Cool softness – if that was a thing – replaced the warm, sturdy chest. A pillow took the place of the shoulder. A blanket settled over his weary body. Levi reached out, fingers catching a wrist. “Don’t…” Any other words he might have had disappeared as sleep crashed over him, the blanket of nothingness far more efficient than his induced numbness.


	2. Chapter 2

 

Erwin watched Levi as he slept peacefully, body curled up into a tiny ball. His eyes were closed, the pale lids and dark circles contrasting on their sides, separated by long lashes. The younger man's chest rose and fell with even and calm breaths. Peaceful. For the first time in a while, Levi looked  _peaceful_. Something rare considering all he had gone through. Erwin pushed some of those ebony strands back, leaving his forehead bare.

 

Levi leaned into the touch, his movement bringing a smile to Erwin's lips. He always acted so tough and strong, leaving sleep for when his defenses went down. Well, it used to be like that. Before they'd gone off to fight a war. Before Levi had been captured.

 

His breakdowns were strange, alien really. Once, sleep had been the only time where Levi relaxed or showed potent emotions. Now they bled through into the day – into his weakest moments. It was horrid. Something Erwin had never wanted to see.  _Ever_.

 

His thumb ran over Levi's eyebrow, smoothing the soft black hairs against his smooth skin. Warm breath whispered over his hands as he brought it down, fingers gliding over Levi's cheek until it settled against a pale cheek covered with the faintest dark stubble - the most in terms of a beard that Levi could grow. Skin he couldn't resist touching whenever he had the chance.

 

That only one hand could touch. His fingers ached, those ghostly appendages that ached to move, forever unable to now. He had physical pain – and the mental pain that he sometimes felt in the arm he would never control again. Levi had mental and emotional  _agony_. A soft laugh shook Erwin's shoulders.  _We're so fucked up._

 

Erwin swept his finger over Levi's eyelid, feeling the gray eye twitch beneath his touch. Levi didn't wake. His beautiful eyes didn't open. Once so alive and full of potent emotions, they had gone blank ever since he'd returned.

 

Those eyes that Erwin had fallen for were no longer what they were. No longer overflowing with feelings. No longer bright, lively silver – more of a dull and dead gray. Simply lifeless until something sent him spiraling into another breakdown. But it had been different earlier, when Erwin had found Levi kneeling in the kitchen with a sponge clutched in his red, chemical-cracked hands that wept small drops of blood.

 

His eyes had been so  _blank_  – no recognition, no desperation. Nothing. The confusion and exhaustion had come after he had picked Levi up. It had been so different from the other times. Twice as terrifying. But he was alright for now. Sleeping peacefully, quietly, and entirely unaware of the world.

 

Erwin wanted to sit by his side all night but eventually he reluctantly pulled his hand away from that soft cheek as he rose. The bed shifted but not enough to disturb the slumbering man. Cerulean orbs fell down onto his old comrade. At his brother in arms. His friend. The man he watched out the corner of his eye. The man he loved. Erwin leaned over Levi. His lips skimmed across that smooth, unwrinkled forehead as he breathed in that sweet scent of raspberries.

 

"Mmm… Erwin…"

 

The blonde pulled back a few inches and froze, hovering over Levi. The younger man sighed as he shifted slightly, burying his head into his blanket-covered arms until all that was visible was an ear, the black mop of his hair, and the back of his neck. Erwin couldn't help but smile as he left the room, leaving the door cracked as he went to make breakfast.

 

* * *

 

Cerulean orbs flicked up when Levi flopped onto the couch next to him. Half-open eyes wandered around before they settled on Erwin. Confusion was etched into his face, accompanied by exhaustion. "Did you… did you carry me to bed?"

 

"Yeah. There's stills some food in the kitchen if you'd like some." Levi silently rose from the couch and disappeared into the kitchen on quiet feet. He didn't seem to remember the night. It made sense, especially considering the daze he'd been in when Erwin had found him.  _Thank God he didn't wander outside. He wouldn't have stood a chance against someone or a wild animal._

 

The pale man sank back down once more, a plate of food and a fork clutched in one hand, a cup of tea in the other. Both were steaming gently, the steam of the tea curling against his palm because of that "peculiar" way he held his cups. Erwin found it endearing – cute even. "Thanks," Levi muttered before he took a sip, pale lips curling over the edge of the cup.

 

His eyes were bleary with sleep but they were a little clearer than they had been. His feathery black hair was mussed and his gray long-sleeved shirt was rumpled. The short shorts he was so fond of wearing exposed the soft, ivory skin of his legs. Once those legs – that  _body_  – had been unblemished but now he was crisscrossed with scars in a plethora of lengths, widths, and shapes.

 

_Levi… what did they do to you over there?_

 

They were silent as they watched the news. Only the quiet sound of Levi's fork against the plate broke the near silence occasionally until he set the plate and cup down, finished eating. His meals were still small, stomach unaccustomed to having much in it, but he was doing much better than before. At least he had finished it. Erwin didn't watch the news as much as he watched Levi as they sat there in their comfortable silence, drinking him in again through subtle glances.

 

They'd given up all hope of ever seeing him again. They'd thought he was dead. That his body would never be recovered – not in the current century at least. And then, by some miracle, he'd reappeared, covered in blood, delirious, feverous, and confused at a hospital in a war-torn country. He was unidentified until Commander Dot Pixis happened to visit some of the wounded warriors in the hospital and found Levi still unconscious in one of the beds. He'd come home after that. Woken up. Come to live with Erwin. And now he was sitting  _right there._

 

Levi had abruptly burst back into their lives –  _his_  life – right when they thought he would only be seen again in photographs and videos. Erwin simply couldn't see enough of him, hear his voice enough, feel that touch enough. Levi was different but he was still Levi on the inside. Just changed a bit from the things he'd seen.

 

The story changed on the news. A picture of Levi appeared, a shot from the shoulders up. He was wearing his military gear, his face dead serious. His dog tags glinted on his chest, almost hidden inside his uniform. It wasn't hard to remember when those pictures were taken. It was before they'd left for the desert.

 

_"Details of Corporal Levi Ackerman's sixteen-month disappearance have been released. Corporal Ackerman risked his own life to save six fellow soldiers , recover two deceased soldiers, and attempted to recover a third fallen comrade." Their images appeared on the screen – Erwin, Petra, Oluo, Nanaba, and Zoe. Mike, Gunther, Erd, and Ilse with "Deceased" beneath their names. A sharp intake drew his eyes as the reporter continued. As the world seemed to slow and stop._

 

_"Corporal Ackerman returned to the compound to search for Ilse Langer, who was found later that night. He did not reemerge. Authorities have released that he was assaulted and rendered unconscious by a group of insurgents. He was held hostage for sixteen months in an effort to acquire information and potentially as leverage later on before escaping, killing several insurgents in order to escape. From the compound he-"_

 

The image turned black but it was too late. Levi's limbs suddenly jerked in as he curled into a little ball, spine pressed into the soft cushions, head buried in his knees, fingers that dug into his scalp and blocked his ears. Tremors wracked his body, threatening to shake him apart.

 

Erwin was at his side a second later. The larger man pulled Levi into his arms and put his one hand to the back of Levi's skull as he crushed their bodies together. Soft black hair flattened beneath his fingers while the fingers already there somehow tensed even more. Soothing words fell from his lips, mixing with Levi's mutters of "No, no, no, no, no." All Erwin could do was hope they reached Levi through it all, clear a path in the darkness to take him to the light.  _Come on Levi, come on…_

 

A heart hammered against his chest, pounding through the layers of flesh and muscle and sinew. It was so damn fast, a million miles a second. His chest struggled to rise and fall, unable to draw in a breath. Gasped breaths filled his ear. The chant of "No" abruptly changed, morphing into something else.

 

"Erwin… oh God, Erwin. Your arm… there… there was  _so much blood_ … Oh God.  _Oh God_. All gonna die. They're all gonna  _die_." He was trapped somewhere between the past and present, suspended somewhere between horror and safety.

 

"Levi, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright." Erwin stared over Levi's head as he pressed the younger man closer, giving him something to touch. As if that could somehow provide some measure of comfort or control.

 

It was a long time before the shivers disappeared, before his breaths evened out, and his heart gradually began to slow. The hands fell from beneath his chin, from Levi's head. Levi pulled back slightly, eyes cast down, face closed. More so than usual anyway. Dull grays flicked up to meet Erwin's bright skies. "S'rry." No more than a mumble.

 

"Don't be." Just as soft but more forceful.  _You have nothing to apologize for_. Erwin wanted to do nothing more than cup the chin of that miserable face, tilt it up, and kiss Levi until he forgot his pain, even if the relief was only temporary. But he wouldn't. Couldn't.  _Shouldn't_. Shouldn't take advantage of Levi when he was so emotionally wrecked.

 

And then small, cold hands cupped his cheeks, bringing him back to reality. To the dazed but burning gray eyes filled with fear-driven determination. So different from the blank looks before.  _Infinitely_  different. Everything happened too fast. Or maybe it happened too slow. Maybe he was just too slow.

 

Levi leaned in, their breaths mixing. Those hazy eyes slipped shut as Levi closed the distance. His lips were soft, fuller than they looked. Almost how he'd imagined and dreamed of. Gentle teeth bit at Erwin's bottom lip, begging for entrance.

 

The blonde let him in without a thought as his arm fell around Levi's waist, tugging him closer once more until their bodies were pressed tight together - something so… natural. Erwin's eyes fell shut and Levi's tongue slipped in, frantic in how it moved and twisted around Erwin's tongue.

 

 _I should stop him._  He should. He needed do. But he had no desire to stop Levi, to break away. He just couldn't. Levi was probably confused anyway, unaware of who he was actually kissing. The thought hurt – pure agony really – but it didn't make him pull away.

 

His fingers dug into Levi's hip bone. Their hot mouths shifted, tongues sliding together. The taste of black tea lingered in Levi's mouth, on his lips. Gentle teeth kept nipping at Erwin's mouth, seemingly seeking out more and more. For perhaps the first time in his life, Erwin gave in. His eyes shut as he let Levi do as he pleased. A soft sigh escaped him, bleeding contentment.

 

Levi abruptly jerked back, completely removing himself from Erwin's grasp. Cerulean orbs flicked open as Levi stumbled away, one hand on the wall, the other over his mouth.

 

The blonde could only watch him go, face passive but a knife twisting in his gut. He didn't know who to blame as he stared at Levi's shut door and the miles between them.  _I fucked up._

 

* * *

 

**1 Missed Call From Zoe Hanji**

 

**From Zoe Hanji:**  
**Erwin I have an idea!**  
**Received 11:20 PM**

 

**2 Missed Calls**

 

**From Zoe Hanji:**  
**Erwin, answer the freaking phone**  
**Received: 11:40 AM**

 

**To Zoe Hanji:**  
**I can't. I'm watching the news with Levi.**  
**Sent: 11:49 AM**

 

**From Zoe Hanji:**  
**Fine, fine, I'll text it. Sheesh Erwin, make me work why don't ya. Anyway, you haven't guess what my idea is!**  
**Received: 11:53 AM**

 

**To Zoe Hanji:**  
**And what might it be?**  
**Sent: 12:05 PM**

 

**From Zoe Hanji:**  
**You've heard of caring hands right?**  
**Received: 12:05 PM**

 

**From Zoe Hanji:**  
**You know, the one for soldiers who come back home**  
**Received: 12:06 PM**

 

**To Zoe Hanji:**  
**Zoe, I don't recall hearing of any others so yes, I know of it. Why?**  
**Sent: 12:10 PM**

 

**From Zoe Hanji:**  
**I was thinking you and Levi could attend a few meetings, see how it is.**  
**It might help**  
**Received: 12:11 PM**

 

**To Zoe Hanji:**  
**There must be a lot of emphasis on might, isn't there?**  
**Sent: 12:16 PM**

 

**From Zoe Hanji:**  
**… Shut up it's better than nothing.**  
**Received: 12:17 PM**

 

**To Zoe Hanji:**  
**Zoe, I don't know how he would handle it. He has trouble here and there's no one talking about the war and combat.**  
**Sent: 12:24 PM**

 

**From Zoe Hanji:**  
**Erwin, please just try and convince him. I think it'll help. Besides, you can always talk him into doing whatever you want. Don't even try to deny it**  
**Received: 12:25 PM**

 

**To Zoe Hanji:**  
**I'll try.**  
**Sent: 12:28 PM**

 

**From Zoe Hanji:**  
**THANK YOU ERWIN. And don't let him back out after one meeting. You either. Don't think I don't see you grimace and grab your arm.**  
**Received: 12:29 PM**

 

**To Zoe Hanji:**  
**I won't let him. We'll go together.**  
**Sent: 12:33 PM**

 

**From Zoe Hanji:**  
**Good! I'll send you the address in a mo.**  
**Received: 12:34**

 

* * *

 

He lurched into consciousness, bile building in the back of his throat. Cold sweat drenched his body, his heart pounded against his ribs. His arm was enveloped in sheer agony. Like a fire had engulfed it from fingertips to bicep. Stripping away the flesh, searing away the muscle and sinew, laying his bones bare for the world to see.

 

Erwin's teeth sank into his hand, as he fought back the noises that threatened to give away his personal hell. The blonde doubled over, eyes clenched shut as he buried his head into the sheets.  _Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!_

 

He could feel that helicopter blade tearing through his flesh, snapping the bone like it was a twig, ripping his arm off. But there was no initial shock and numbness like there had been. No, it was just pure, undiluted agony that seared his body and threatened to drive him insane.

 

A quiet moan escaped him, a pathetic, miserable sound. His fingers curled – both phantom and real – into the sheets, holding on for dear life and the fire in his arm built to an inferno. The flames licked up his arm in waves, searing away the flesh over and over  _and over_  again. No respite. Only unending waves of limitless agony.

 

The memories were a movie in his mind, replaying again and again every time the pain began anew. Seeing Levi loom over him for once with wide and frantic eyes. Hearing those words, disjointed and jumbled:  _"Stay with me ya bastard, don't ya dare die on me!"_  Waking up in the hospital and hearing Zoe sob as she choked out that Levi was gone. Again and again.

 

Fingers clenched, holding on for dear life as his phantom arm burned away. A cleansing of fire. The blade bit into his arm once more, tearing it away. Leaving a blank, empty space behind. Leaving no feeling but agony in the abruptly shortened nerves.

 

But the agony was different. Somehow, some way, it was different. Less.

 

A shaky breath of relief fled him as the waves of fire grew smaller. Receding, leaving nothing but the memory in its place. It left his phantom fingertips first, slowly dissolving into nothing as the false flesh above it began to lose all sensation once more. Disappearing as his brain gradually came to the realization that yes, his arm was still gone, that it hadn't just been some God-forsaken nightmare.

 

Rivulets of sweat rolled down his back, making his shirt cling to his back. His fingers – the real ones – flexed, testing the strength. His muscles were weak, his hand sore, but he was fine. No agony -  _real_  agony anyway.

 

Erwin mussed his hair before he touched the abrupt stop of his arm. The skin was mostly smooth where they'd had to graft skin over the exposed wound. A few scars remained from where they'd had to stitch it all back together after they'd taken the more ruined parts of his arm that weren't salvageable. The shredded muscle and useless bone.

 

Another soft sigh of relief escaped him as his fingers grazed the tingling skin.  _He can never know_. Levi had enough shit going on without someone else's problems heaped onto his own. The blonde stood, shedding his shirt as he walked blindly but confidently to the bathroom in the dark. His sweat-soaked clothes hit the hamper. Gentle curls of steam began to fill the room by the time Erwin stepped into the shower, hand shaking slightly, arm still aching, but mostly composed.

 

Hopefully, Levi was asleep. They had a long day ahead of them. All because of Zoe's "brilliant" plan. It was worrying at its best possible outcome, disastrous at its worst.  _Going to that meeting… I don't know how Levi will do with that… He's strong, but nothing like he was. Hell, he has trouble simply talking to us. It can't go well…_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that Erwin's chapter is kind of short - I thought it was a good stopping place and went with it. Anyway, see you next week! Have a wonderful day/night/existence!  
> This is also on Fanfiction under the fairylights101 account. Track this on tumblr at fairlights101 or by using the tags #BAB_fic or #BreakingAndBending_fic


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of triggers. Just thought I'd drop a warning.

Caring Hands, an organization founded to help troops when they came home from their tours. One of the rooms in their building was specifically for meetings for the former troops who had developed PTSD. It was a fairly sizeable group and some of the chairs were still empty as people got water, some of that halfway decent coffee they had out, or trickled in. The meeting wouldn’t start for another fifteen minutes. _Thankfully._

Levi and Erwin sank down onto a pair of free chairs. Quiet murmurs filled the room, muted, tense. Navy, Army, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard. They were all there, a story behind every face. Some were more open than others. Maybe they’d been at the support group longer. Maybe they were just less affected. Maybe they were just there to support a friend who suffered. Most only spoke a few words, occasionally flinching.

_Hell, slap all of us back in another century and we’d probably be locked in some fuckin’ nuthouse._

His dull gray eyes swept the room, carefully observing. He didn’t want to learn about them. Didn’t want to hear about the horrors they’d faced. He’d had his fair share – more than enough. Too damn much.

“Corporal? Corporal Ackerman?” The voice was familiar – too loud in a quiet place, less boyish than it had once been. Gray eyes flicked up.

The young brunette man towered over him, several inches taller since the last time he’d seen that face. His skin was still browned by the sun but it was paler – just by a few shades. Lots of hospital time probably. Why else would a kid his age already be out when he’d still had several years left on his tour when Levi had been taken? Wide turquoise eyes and a bright smile met Levi when his eyes finally hit that face.

“Jaeger.”

That warm grin grew even broader. “Yeah! I’m glad you’re back Corporal. We didn’t know if we’d see you again.”

“Levi.”

“Huh?”

“Just call me Levi. I’m not a soldier anymore.” He would have sighed if he was alone. With relief or disappointment, he wasn’t sure. He could feel Erwin’s eyes on him watching the exchange with an amused glint in his beautiful eyes. And a longing one. Things had been so damn uncomfortable between them since the day before. Since Levi had fucked up big time. He hadn’t mentioned it. Neither had Erwin. It was just a big heap of shit waiting to be poked, prodded, and examined.

“Right. Levi.” Eren’s voice pulled him back to see that smile on his face that someone like Erwin would never wear. Too cheery and open for the blonde to ever wear. _It all comes back to him. Somehow, someway._

“How’s my cousin? And Armin?” That smile, blindingly brilliant, vanished _instantly_. Bad news.

“Mikasa’s at a Wounded Warrior Project fundraiser in Atlanta. Armin…” Eren’s hand ran over his mouth, his fingers dug into his cheeks. “I-in the blast that took my leg off, Armin was thrown through the air… only teen feet… h-he hit his head. H-he’s been in a coma since then. Ten months. I didn’t know until I woke up a week later with… with two limbs taken in two separate blasts and a f-friend in a coma.”

Hot tears had started to roll down Eren’s face at some point, rolling over the prosthetic fingers, dripping onto his jeans. His fingertips – the real ones – were damp from where he’d been wiping his eyes. _Shit_.

The short man awkwardly wrapped his arm around Eren’s shoulder, pulling the sobbing young man into his arms. Gray orbs flicked back to Erwin. The blonde nodded, confirming the news. Levi hugged Eren a little tighter.

He’d been in a group with all three of them, Eren Jaeger, Armin Arlert, and Mikasa Ackerman. He could only thank whatever higher power lurked above that they hadn’t been there on that last mission. They wouldn’t have made it five minutes in that shithole. His hand moved absently, the way Erwin’s had the other morning, before…  

Hell, those kids wouldn’t have been out there in the first place if it hadn’t been for him. Eren, that dumb, suicidal bastard had worshipped the ground Levi walked on. Mikasa went whereever Eren went to keep him safe. And Armin went with both of them to make sure they were alright. And now they were damaged, scarred by war. Just like everyone else in the room. _But these three… this shit ‘s my fault._

The tears died down after a few minutes, dissolving into pathetic sniffs before disappearing altogether. “Sorry,” Eren muttered as he pulled away, wiping at his tear-stained face.

“’s alright,” Levi shrugged as he leaned back into his chair. His shoulder felt gross, damp and sticky with tears, but at least it could have been worse. It wasn’t blood. _Again_. Drenched in hot, sticky blood that his fellow soldiers had spilled from their wounds. The pale man’s stomach heaved, cold memories rising up, choking him.

“’ve gotta shit,” he muttered as he stood. Levi didn’t give Erwin or Eren the chance to say anything as he strode off with a purpose. That purpose being to escape calmly without puking his guts up.

Stiff legs carried him into the bathroom. It was blissfully vacant, silence filling the tiled room that smelled faintly of air freshener and cleaners. A good smell. Fumbling hands twisted the tap, a cool stream of water flowing over his hands. Soap joined. Bubbles formed, the suds slipping off his wet skin before they washed down into the drain. The mindless movements of his hands calmed him, numbed him, even if only for a few moments.

_Maybe this wasn’t a good idea._ To come to a place where they’d talk shit out about their pasts. About things he didn’t want to hear. To bring up memories of blood and death and the torture and the blood that stained his hands. Caked them. Darkened the underside of his nails, ingrained into his skin.

His knees went weak, almost buckling as he stared at the bloody appendages beneath the stream. The thick red liquid swirled into the drain but none of it disappeared from his skin. It stayed there, dark, glistening gloves that whispered horrors and agonies into his ears. It was hot, blisteringly so, searing into his skin, his mind.

Levi viciously scrubbed at the dark gauntlets on his arms, desperately fighting to cleanse his skin in a panic at the filth and memories. Steam curled over his skin and face, hot, damp.

Erwin. Petra. Zoe. Gunther. Oluo. Erd. Mike. Nanaba. Zoe. Eren. Armin. Mikasa. The insurgents. The innocents.

Every single one of them had their blood on his hands, staining him black and red.

“Levi?” The silver-eyed man twisted around, water still spilling into the sink, blood splattering onto the floor. Ugly smears of blood covered his face, staining his hair, sealing one oceanic eye shut. Blood poured from the stump of his arm, staining the sleeve he’d pinned around it and splattering on the floor, mixing with the blood that fell from Levi’s hands.

“Erwin…” Hoarse, strained. His gut twisted, heart hammered, lungs lost all their air. He was going to die. He and Erwin. His heart was gonna fucking stop. Erwin was gonna bleed out. “There’s so much blood…”

Erwin’s hand rose, fingertips smeared with that dark liquid that filled his veins – that kept pumping out with every beat from that strong heart. Levi flinched away. _No. No more!_ Too much covered his skin, stained him no matter how many layers of skin he shed or how many times he washed. _It’s always there._ He didn’t want any more. Not when he was already drowning in it.

Erwin took a step forward. He took one back. Their feet carried them until Levi’s back was pressed against that cold, hard, unforgiving tile wall. Nowhere to run. The sink and wall had bloody handprints, small but all too present – his.

Rivulets of blood ran down his fingertips, dripped onto the ground. Red footprints marred the white floor. The flow from Erwin’s amputated arm had grown into a cascade, pouring out fast – _too damn fast._

“E-Erwin… you’re gonna bleed out. There’s so much blood… ‘s everywhere…”

A large warm hand curled around his shoulders, the stump brushing his arm as his head was pressed against a solid chest. The bittersweet aroma of coffee and fruit filled him up, dizzying with its presence. It hit him then.

Nothing damp.

No coppery scent.

No sticky, gummy sensation on his skin.

Erwin’s great heart thumped steadily against his skull, filling him with that melodious, _glorious_ sound right down to the very essence of his being. Strong. _Living_. Not fading away with every second as it forced a little more blood out.

The red waves that threatened to overwhelm him began to recede, slowly pulling away into a low tide. It disappeared from his vision with every blink. Then it was gone. All gone. Except for them. Everything was the way it was. No blood. No open wounds. Nothing. They were okay. As good as they could be.

A shaky breath rattled through his chest as he slumped against Erwin. Nothing mattered. Not that he’d fucked up the day before by kissing him. Not that they were standing in a bathroom that anyone could walk into at any damn moment. Only that beating heart mattered, a reminder of life and an anchor to the world. _Do I depend on him? ‘s he what ‘s gonna keep me sane?_

 

* * *

 

A large hand grabbed his shoulder, the unexpected touch jarring him into consciousness. Eyes not even open, Levi lurched up and pushed the heavy body to the side. His heart hammered in his chest to pump white-hot adrenaline through his veins.

Wild grays snapped open as he leapt onto his attacker. An arm swung up at him – not for a blow but to gently push him off. He leapt back onto that chest a moment later, cat-like in his movements. His legs clenched around the attacking man’s waist, the iron grip locking him in place.

Garbled words in a foreign language filled his ears, utterly nonsensical and jumbled. A hand touched his face. Levi turned and sank his teeth into the flesh, biting down hard. A grunt of pain. His hands locked around the larger man’s throat.

Fingers dug into the smooth skin, muscles flexing as he trying to crush the man’s throat, to keep him from ever drawing in another breath. _Survive_. He wanted to beat that head against the ground, pummel him into unconsciousness. Pummel him after he was dead. No mercy. _Survive!_ His grip tightened.

_SURVIVE!_

The hand fell from his mouth, the taste of blood fresh on his tongue. The body squirmed beneath him, the man’s movements growing ever weaker as he fought for oxygen. But his hands never hit Levi in a brutal way. It was confusing, something that reached him through the blind haze of adrenaline and instincts. _Survive!!_

Levi pressed down harder as he stared down at that unfamiliar face. That strange, alien face with those damningly familiar eyes. He blinked as he internally peeled the film away, revealing what his mind had concealed from him in his panic. It all made _so much sense._

Erwin lay beneath him, a glassy look in his eyes and his face dark red, the way it got when a person was upside down too long. His body had started to go limp as his body prepared to slip into unconsciousness.

But that heart still beat against his knee. Not strong and steady like it should have been. A little weaker. Too weak.

_Erwin_. He was _strangling_ Erwin. The man he _loved_.

Levi jerked away. He hit the ground with a thump and scrambled back until the doorframe dug into his spine. Horrified disgust formed the noose he lynched himself with as he gazed on. Erwin suddenly inhaled. Dry coughing filled the room, God-awful hacks that made Levi cringe. The half-arm hovered near his throat, as if he was holding it with fingers no longer there. The blonde started to prop himself up with the other arm, slowly rising. _Oh God… I…_

“Lev… Levi.” His voice was hoarse, rough from having his throat almost _crushed. By me_. Levi stood, numb. Oh God, so numb. Dead in mind. Dead in body. He couldn’t stay. He’d only hurt Erwin, hurt everyone. “Levi!”

The damaged man didn’t – _couldn’t_ – hear him as he stumbled out of the room on legs that could barely support him. A random direction. No ideas or intentions or destinations. Only the desperate need to flee, to keep Erwin safe filled his mind. Safe from him. He’d saved the man twice – taken a bullet for him and carried him to the chopper– and now he’d almost murdered him.

Bile built in his throat, threatening to make him collapse if only to puke his guts up. At the thought of what he’d done. And at the realization that he wanted to go back anyway. _I need Erwin. Need to keep him away, to protect him. To protect those around him. No more people die, not ‘cause of me. Not by my hands or my choices. Why’d I live? Shoulda died over there, fuckin’ should’ve._

But he hadn’t. No, he’d lived and instead of happiness, he’s brought even more pain and misery back with him. He instilled it into everything he touched and everyone he knew with every stolen breath he drew. He was poison in the water, slowly tainting every damn bit of the stream. _Dammit all to hell._

 

* * *

 

Erwin found him sitting on a park bench, knees tucked into his chest, chin in his knees, and hands crossed in front of his ankles. Levi was torn. Glad he’d been found. Confused as to why Erwin had bothered to search. Furious that he’d been found. Not surprised that Erwin had sought him out.

Life had become one big fuckin’ contradiction.

No words passed between them as Erwin sank down next to him. No one was out. It was still dark, still quiet. No need to rush and no sense of urgency.

It almost felt like when they were in high school and Erwin would find him on the exact same bench under the cover of darkness on the nights his stepfather beat the shit out of him. The silence was just as uncomfortable as it had been then, even if the circumstances for it had changed.

“You forgot your shoes.”

Blades of grass still clung to his bare, damp, filthy feet. The feeling was downright gross, but infinitely better than the feeling of… of blood caked all over his body. “I know.” He’d known that for a while. Ever since his mind had ceased its frantic sprint.

Erwin set a pair of shoes and socks on the bench next to Levi. A glance revealed what he already knew – a pair of his old shoes, ones he’d worn all the damn time before they’d been shipped overseas to fight.

It constantly amazed him just how much shit Erwin and Zoe had held onto. They’d had so much damn hope for his survival and return. _They shouldn’t have hoped._ They should have given away all his things and believed his was dead with all their heart, leaving no room for doubt of that simple fact. _But they couldn’t. Never could._

Levi slowly picked the blades of grass from his feet before he pulled one sock on, then the other. The dry fabric was a relief. His feet were cold from the still chilly air and dew. He could feel the blonde’s heated gaze on him as he slid the shoes on, pulling the back to keep it from getting royally rucked up, tying neat but strong knots with the black laces. Something had to have order in his life, even if it was as insignificant as tying a fucking shoelace.

He made to rise but Erwin caught his shoulder and gently pushed him back down. _Shit_. “Levi, we need to talk.” _Double shit._ “Not about what happened over there. Not until you want to. We need to talk about the other day.” He left a blank space for Levi to fill, one he didn’t want to. Dark grays and light blues delved into each other, searching, waiting, _resisting_.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he finally muttered, a scowl easily flowing onto his face. He shrugged the hand from his shoulder and stood. “Let’s go home.” He wanted to talk, to spill the truth like he had spilled that blood for the past five nights.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Erwin. No, he trusted that blonde with his life: _complete_ and total trust, the kind he couldn’t give anyone else. He wanted to give Erwin everything. But he couldn’t. He’d only hurt Erwin, couldn’t afford to do it again. He couldn’t trust himself nearly enough to give Erwin his heart and soul. The blonde would only be hurt.

Damn. It made him tired. So God damn _exhausted_. But he kept his head high and his feet never dragged the ground, not once. He was strong. Strong and broken and crumbling apart. The price of life in the wake of so many dead.

They walked close together, arms almost brushing every few steps. It was so hard to not reach out and take Erwin’s larger hand in his. To pretend that everything was alright in a world that was total shit. Pathetic really. They returned to Erwin’s home without a word.

Levi slunk away to his room. To the darkness of his cell as he succumbed to the shadows of his mind. The need to be numb. He needed it, to lose the world in a flow of blood. And he gave in like the pathetic little cretin he was. Every slash, no matter how big or small, brought a new face to his mind.

Those nameless people who had suffered in front of him because he wouldn’t speak. The faces of those he carried on his back came most often. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin were there too. The three young kids who followed him down a path he wished he could have stopped them from taking. _I should’ve told em no. That they shouldn’t go, that they were dumb little brats._

And Erwin. Always Erwin. Every time he pulled it away and stared blankly at his arm he could see not his blood, not his arm, but Erwin’s. That bloody stump of mangled flesh and bone. Hear Erwin’s moans, too deep in the throes of shock to scream. See him unconscious, appearing dead until Levi was right up on top of him. It replayed over and over in his mind, a movie reel on loop. One that he couldn’t pull out and smash into tiny pieces. _Damn the world, and damn me with it._ And then the final damning thing happened.

_Levi slid Erwin off his shoulder as gently as he could with half his side torn between agony and numbness. The damage was so much worse. He’d almost bled through his bandages already. “Dammit!”_

_Zoe sank down beside Erwin, blood trickling down from her scalp. Dazed brown eyes fixed on him. He knew she saw him glance back to the building of stone. “Don’t… Levi, don’t you dare…”_

_“I have to. Stay here with him.” The soldier jerked his head and darted off, head low and gun ready. Adrenaline chased the fiery pain out of his side. Dry pops of gunfire filled the air, almost constant. Thick black smoke poured into the air from the remnants of the helicopter. Wind carried the dust, barely kept out of Levi’s lungs by the bandana._

_He ducked back into the building, gun up and eyes peeled wide. Nothing moved, no insurgents. Someone moaned nearby, feminine sounding. The soldier darted forward, wincing at the movements that strained his abdomen even though he could barely feel the wound or the bullet he knew was lodged inside._

_Petra lay in the corner, rubble and dust covering her. Her amber eyes were closed but they snapped open the second he started to shift the debris from her body, fighting to free her before their precious time ran out. Amber eyes flicked open as he reached for another piece, desperate and terrified. “Levi…”_

The knife slipped from his hand as he slumped against the wall, chin fallen to his chest. _Too… too much blood._ Or maybe it was the exhaustion, the shitty nutrition. The world swam around him. Faded in and out. Threatened to disappear behind a crashing curtain of deep unconsciousness. Maybe even something deeper.

Levi smiled.

It was nice, that darkness. Cool. Soft. Void.

He welcomed it.

Something slapped his cheek. Blank gray orbs snapped open. Settled on a blonde. Hair immaculate. Sky blue irises. _Recognition_. The remembrance of emotions and of the identity to the blonde who crouched before him settled into place. Terror tainted his normally cool eyes, forced a thought out of Levi. _What have I done?_

“Levi…”

Erwin jerked him into a hard embrace, crushing their bodies together. Levi’s arms were limp by his sides. Blood trickled down his arm, hand, fingers, and onto the floor. It stuck to his calves and thighs in disgusting, filthy smears. “Jesus Christ, Levi...” No disappointment. _Fear_.

A strong arm curled beneath his legs, his half-arm bracing Levi’s back. So he could carry the small, broken man into the bathroom. A broken chuckle worked its way from Levi’s chest at the situation, too damn funny for all the wrong reasons that he couldn’t even comprehend.

But Erwin didn’t notice. Those arms set him down on the edge of the bathtub. Peeled the blood-soaked, slashed bandages he’d cut through to get to skin, revealing the ruin of Levi’s flesh beneath.

So many cuts. From wrist to elbow, all caught in varying stages of healing. Horizontal, vertical, long, short, thick, thin. They varied in appearance and overlapped in dozens – _hundreds_ of places. _So many…_ Somehow he’d never truly realized how many times he’d dragged that blade across his arm.

Damp washcloths settled over his arm, concealing his wounds. Levi hadn’t heard Erwin leave, fetch the cloths, or wet them in his daze. Hell, he’d probably had time to throw a towel over the small pool of blood and fucking mopped it up.

Erwin’s fingers were redder than they should have been as they moved above his arm. A gentle hand began to wipe the blood away, occasionally rinsing the cloths out before they returned to cool and soothe his aching skin. _Damn… fail to save my comrades… now I can’t even keep this secret. Can’t even kill myself right… Is that what I wanted?_

A soft towel replaced the damp cloths after a while, like an answer to his question. That hand dried then bandaged his arm as his stared on, wrapping it night and secure but nowhere near as tight as Levi had been doing for several days.

_I’m such a passive little bitch._ Passive like he’d never before been as Erwin gently dabbed at his shaved legs, cleansing his skin of the smears of blood. Making him feel clean again. He watched the washcloth pass over his skin, watched those strong, tanned arms flex. Eventually that cloth disappeared altogether and didn’t return.

Rough, _trembling_ fingers cupped his chin instead and pulled his head up. Disconcerted sapphire blue eyes and hollow grays collided. Erwin had never looked so undone in his entire life. The only time that came even remotely close was when his arm had been torn ripped away by the helicopter rotor. “Levi… Why? What the hell were you thinking?”

The pain had started to grow from more than just a distant ache in the back of his mind as he sat there and stared for the longest damn time. He leaned into Erwin’s touch, chest aching with the need to tell. He was so damn _cold_. Erwin was so fucking _warm_.

“I’m tired…”

Erwin stared at him with soft eyes that prompted him to continue as they continued delving into him. Levi almost couldn’t open his mouth again, let alone say a word.

“I don’t wanna see all that shit over and over again. ‘m tired of seeing all that blood… seein’ everyone come so clue to dyin’… seein’ the dead… feelin’ their hearts stop. I don’t wanna remember bein’ held by those insurgents. Ya wanna know what they fuckin’ did?”

Those words flowed from his mouth in an unstoppable tide as his silver eyes widened, full of desperation to spill everything. Erwin, he could trust. Erwin, he needed. Erwin, he needed to tell. No one else. Not yet.

“They tortured me. Hot pokers, knives, broke my bones, electrocutions, water boardin’s, starvin’ periods, beatin’s. They’d bring people in too. Heathens and people that helped us. Women. Kids. An’ they’d fuckin’ kill ‘em in front of me. All so they could find out if I hand any fuckin’ secrets to spill. And I _killed_ them. I became a _monster_ to escape.”

His chest heaved as rapid, pathetic breaths barely managed to filled his lungs and threatening to send him slumping from the lack of fresh oxygen to his skull. Wild silver eyes burned as they flicked around – but they always returned to Erwin’s face.

His strong features were blank – no sympathy, no horror, no anger. No, those were in his eyes, burning bright as obvious as they gazed into each other’s eyes. Two arms – one whole, the other not – wrapped around him in a massive, bone-crushing hug. Long fingers pressed against the back of his skull and threaded through his too-fucking-long hair.

Levi’s chin settled over Erwin’s shoulder, the intoxicating scent of coffee and fruit filled his head with a buzz. A scent he’d yearned for during the longest fucking sixteen months of his life. A scent he would’ve missed in death.

“I wanted to die.”

The threat of tears was abruptly all too real. His throat threatened to close up. He didn’t know when he’d worked that out, didn’t know when he had unconsciously decided that. He just _knew_. His unblemished arm hooked beneath Erwin’s arm as he buried his face into the blonde’s soft white shirt. “I didn’t wanna watch you almost die… or die anymore. I was bein’ selfish. Didn’t…”

His words fell away, unable to continue any longer. Those strong, tanned arms pressed their bodies closer. White teeth sank into his lip as Levi pulled his head back until he could see Erwin’s face and his questioning gems. Noses brushed, foreheads pressed together. “I meant it. The other day. I meant every second of it.”

Erwin did the finding then. The blonde captured his lips. Soft, thin. Exactly as he remembered But it was infinitely better because he knew. He was sound in his movements and so was Erwin.

His hands wandered as their lips shifted in slow, unhurried movements. Up through Erwin’s hair, along his cheeks, down his arms, and onto his chest where they settled. One hand over that drum. It beat steadily through flesh and sinew and bone to greet his palm and pronounce its beauty in every damn beat.

He didn’t know how long they clung together, nothing moving but soft mouths. He didn’t want to let go. Levi just wanted – _needed_ to hold him close. Erwin must have felt the same because he hefted Levi up, his whole arm locked tight around Levi’s waist. Instantly, the smaller man’s legs hooked around Erwin’s waist.

Only then did he break their kiss to bury his head into the curve of Erwin’s neck and shoulder, hands still pressed flat against that muscular chest. To feel that heart. He pressed his head to it after they crawled into bed, illuminated by the few stars and the cat-scratch of a moon hanging in the sky, visible through a window above the bed.

There had been no better way to fall asleep. It didn’t come quickly, but it came with that knowledge that although Erwin might die in his dreams, he’d be right there when Levi woke. Living. Breathing. His heart still beating.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, chapter 3 is done! Thank you so very much for reading!!! If you're fond of Erwin/Levi/Eren, I'll be posting my Eruriren week stuff (about two-three weeks late >.>) very soon! I just have to finish one prompt and figure out what the hell to do for the last one. ANYWAY.  
> Thanks for reading and stay tuned for next week's chapter! Have a wonderful day/night/existence!!


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey Mikasa." Erwin smiled at the words, even if the reason for the call wasn't good. Levi was getting people back in his life at last. "I know. I saw the weather report this morning. Damn, you picked the wrong fuckin' city to go to."

The young woman had planned to come home right after the meeting and fundraiser. The plane would have left four hours ago. Then a blizzard had slammed the north, effectively locking her in the city for what was looking to easily be a few days.

"No Mikasa, don't be a dumbass and try to drive out. Sheesh, and I thought Eren was supposed to be the dumbass of the group." There was so much affection in his voice, all the feelings he'd had pent up for sixteen months.

He was doing so much better than the night before. It loosened the knot of apprehension in Erwin's chest. If he hadn't had heard that thunk, called out Levi's name, gone to investigate… He shook the thought away. It was far from the fate he wanted to think about. But it still had to be addressed eventually.

Levi's conversation wrapped him up again, taking him from the news. "-see what Eren means. You're a walkin' maternal unit. You do know I'm six years older and perfectly capable of caring for myself?" Levi let a muted sigh out along with an eye roll. His silver gaze flicked over to Erwin a second later. He shook his head. Erwin smirked, shoulders shaking with a slight laugh.  _Far too long since I heard their banter._  Far too long since he'd seen life in Levi's eyes - or Levi in general for that matter.

Levi sank down onto Erwin a few minutes later, phone call over. The short man fit so easily, a puzzle piece that Erwin had been missing. They sat there for several minutes, simply watching the news and welcoming each other's touch. Levi moved first, letting his head fall back onto Erwin's shoulder. It didn't make much of a difference concerning the angle. But the entirety of it just felt so damn  _right_. With the exception that he no longer had a right arm to hold and touch Levi with.  _Minor details._

He took Levi's arm into his – the one riddled with scars and cuts. Levi was still wearing a long sleeved shirt but the bandages were gone, leaving his arm bare when Erwin pushed the sleeve back. Furious red lines greeted him, glaring out from their home on the pale flesh.

The body atop his tensed, clearly uncertain. But the arm didn't pull away. Erwin pressed a kiss to Levi's temple as his thumb started to trace across the cuts that would eventually become scars that would forever mar Levi's skin until the day he died or until they simply faded enough that they could fit in with the rest that had long since paled, almost unnoticeable.

The skin randomly alternated from coarse to smooth beneath his thumb. Some parts were smoother than others, where the slashes had neared the end of their healing process. Most were puckered and raised, all too fresh for his taste.

By all rights he should have called the hospital, a psychologist, a psychiatrist,  _someone_. But he hadn't. Levi had trusted him when they were teenagers to not tell anyone before he showed Erwin what he'd done to his arm. How he'd taken a razor blade and made surgically neat slices along his arms. How he'd taken the clove cigarettes he was once so fond of and put them out on the upper parts of his arm, where no one could see.

Erwin hadn't told then. He couldn't tell now, no matter how much he wanted to. He could see it in those dulled eyes, the distant fear that Erwin would tell. That he would put Levi into a ward in some hospital and leave him there.

 _Alone_.

His thumb ran across another, this time picking out an individual one at the top. "Mike." His finger stopped, confusion halting his movements. "Mike," Levi repeated, "That one was for Mike." Erwin traced another, the jagged skin a harsh reminder of more than the things he had done in secret during those nights where Erwin had been completely and utterly oblivious. "Petra." Another. "You."

It didn't take long to figure out what was going on, approximately what had gone through Levi's mind as he had sliced into his skin. There was at least a face behind every single one of those cuts. Often there was a name – of those who had lived, those who had died.

The faceless ones were the innocents that had died before him. Even some of the insurgents were there, young boys who had been forced to join the army or die. Erwin traced the incisions with growing amazement and lessening sorrow.

 _He didn't do this for himself. He did it for everyone. Carving them into his skin. He left a permanent mark for each of them, literally. And he did it more than once._  Not once did Levi's name grace the air. It stayed locked within both of them as Levi listed the names or faces that he had attached nicknames too. But never his own.  _You aren't selfish Levi. You're too_ selfless _. You're stronger than you think._

* * *

 

"Damn you, Zoe," Levi grumbled as he dug into the ground with one of the spades the eccentric brunette had brought over. Several cartons of flowers sat in the grass near him, colorful spots on the yard that was otherwise empty of color.

Zoe laughed as she dug into her own little patch of earth. She wasn't shy of the dirt, diving into the rich soil with bare hands and no hesitation. Typical Zoe behavior. Erwin crouched next to her, glove on his hand, stump exposed.

Despite Levi's protests, Erwin knew he didn't truly mind. They both knew that Zoe's idea was a million miles from her more questionable plots that she sometimes conjured from God knew what pit of Hell. It gave them something to do – and made his yard a little more cheerful for the oncoming summer as a bonus.

Zoe leaned in, putting their heads closer as they worked, methodically one heap of dirt out after another. "How's he been doing?" Her words would have been impossible to hear – they were almost too soft for Erwin to catch – but his eyes flicked over anyway and lingered for a moment before his lips parted.

"He has a lot of nightmares. Sometimes he'll lash out and hit me. He'll also break down and have panic attacks or be lost to the world for varying amounts of time. He  _has_  started to talk about it though. He hasn't cut in a day or two."

Zoe knew enough, mostly just the major things, nothing exact that Levi himself had said. She didn't want Erwin tell her. She wanted Levi to open up to her again and let her knew as he did so. There was no doubt that he would open up to Zoe next. Aside from Erwin, Zoe was the person Levi trusted most. It wouldn't be long if he kept improving.

"Good… that's good. You know, Mikasa is gonna be back in town tomorrow. How about we go get some lunch with her and Eren, then go see Armin? I've been meaning to see him."

"I'll talk to him about it." Erwin set his spade aside, took a handful of tiny seeds bursting with the promise of life, and sprinkled them into the long, shallow trench he'd dug.

Zoe snickered as she reached for her own plants. "Only you would plant something everyone else considers a weed!"

Erwin let a small smile onto his face as he smoothed the rich, arable soil back into place. "Among the vines of the weed, you can find a beautiful flower… and Levi liked them."

Explosive, boisterous laughter spilled from Zoe, loud enough that Levi glanced over at the brunette, who was doubled over in mirth. "The fuck are you laughin' at, dumbass?"

His tone was far lighter than it had been. There was a slight curl of amusement to his lips. A glint in his eyes. One that had grown since that night five days ago when he'd come apart so completely. When he'd let Erwin in so they could try to piece him back together. Nothing was better than the changes – aside from the kisses maybe.  _I can have one guilty pleasure after the last three years._

"Erwin  _was_  saying something pretty deep and then he  _totally_  ruined it!" Zoe's entire body shook and tears threatened to spill over.

"Freak," Levi muttered. He tossed a small clod of dirt at her before he turned back to his plants. Erwin understood the laughter though. Joy and relief powered her. They were getting Levi back.

* * *

 

The worst part about having lost his arm was that he couldn't hold Levi's hand when he ate. "I should get a prosthetic," he murmured, voice reaching Levi beneath the clamor of the diner.

The shorter man glanced up. "If you want to." He was quieter, more subdued after a particularly nasty panic attack he'd had at two in the morning. With luck that tension would ease a little when Mikasa, Eren, and Zoe arrived. They passed the minutes in silence, their fingers intertwined as Erwin's thumb glided over the soft skin.

Zoe effectively broke it when she slid into the booth, eyes wide behind her glasses. "Hey guys, sorry I'm late! I just got caught up reading this book and when I looked up at the clock it was already ten past and I thought _'Levi is gonna kill me'_  and so I- wait… Where are Eren and Mikasa?"

Levi's shoulders shook with a muted, short laugh. It looked forced. "When we were at your house getting the plants I set your clocks ahead so you'd be early to somethin' for once, you dumb shit."

Warm brown eyes stared at Levi for a long moment, her face smooth and blank. Her lips trembled. Her shoulders started to shake. Zoe burst into laughter, "I was trying to be stern but  _damn_  Levi, that was brilliant. And it worked!"

Eren and Mikasa arrived a few minutes later, as Zoe's hiccups of laughter finally died out. Levi's hand clenched, then relaxed. Erwin let him go, cerulean orbs trained on him as he stood.

They looked like they could have been siblings with their matching complexions, long black hair, and deep gray eyes. It didn't hurt that their mothers were identical twins. Mikasa stepped into Levi's arms as the others looked on. They hadn't seen each other in eighteen months. It was no surprise when they only pulled apart after a solid minute and slid into the booth on their respective sides. Mikasa's eyes were damp but she was grinning – something rare for her, a clear mark of the occasion.

Levi's hand slid back into Erwin's beneath the table, his grasp tight enough to snap bones in a smaller person. His eyes were a little damp too. Erwin squeezed his thin, steady hand back.

"How were the fundraisers and meetings?" Levi rarely began conversations, so it was a little strange hearing his voice first. But he had also started the dialogue on the last meal the six of them had eaten together. The only differences were that they were in a restaurant and that Armin wasn't there.  _I wonder if anyone else realizes that._  If they did, they gave no hints of such.

Mikasa didn't waste a second in answering. "They went well. We raised a little under two million all together. The majority of it is going to provide prosthetics for the ones who come home and better protection for the soldiers still overseas. We also started petitions for several reforms. We're making progress. Things are going to be better for the people over there. They'll be a little safer for a while."

"That's good."

"Levi, I'm sorry I've been gone. I was there when they brought you in and I couldn't cancel the fundraiser. They said they couldn't do it without me and it lasted longer than we thou-"

Levi moved slightly. Mikasa jerked a second later. There was no doubt that he had kicked her beneath the table. "Dumbass. I understand. Those meetings are more important."

For a second it looked like his cousin was about to lunge across the table and shake him, perhaps to make him realize that such wasn't the case. But Mikasa held back, instead offering him a small, hesitant smile.  _She's gotten better with her temper. Eren still can't keep his in check though_.

Erwin added a comment to the budding conversation. "Eren, how is your therapy going?"

The brunette groaned at Erwin's question as he leaned back. The entirety of his prosthetic arm was visible, from shoulder to fingertip. He wore it with pride. Which earned him numerous glances more often than not. "It's shit! Damn, it's such a pain some days! But it could be worse. It's worth it at least. I can run again. Not for long periods because it hurts and I get tired, but I can still  _run_."

After that their conversation flowed effortlessly. It stayed away from Armin and the war, focusing instead on brighter topics. It wasn't long before the scrape and clink of silverware joined their conversation. Levi spoke more than he would have a week ago – maybe more than he would have before he had disappeared. Either way, Erwin still considered it a monumental leap for him.

Levi didn't wear a smile, nor did it matter. After all the horrifying things all of them been through, some things had just ceased to matter.

Erwin and Zoe split the tab before they left, their stomachs full and their hearts heavy as their destination sank in. It took half an hour for Zoe to drive them to the hospital – her driving skills as terrifying as ever. Levi certainly showed that he could still criticize Zoe's driving and drop a curse every few seconds. Typical.

But her erratic driving gave Erwin time to think at least, to be distracted as he traced patterns onto Levi's knee. He had already visited Armin several times. Every time, he never ceased to feel like it was a little brother in the bed, not just a friend and fellow ex-soldier. War created bonds too strong to break.

Thankfully, Zoe managed to get the car to the hospital in one piece. Their little group turned heads as they walked in and strode through the halls, Eren leading them with both prosthetics in plain view. It wasn't just the missing limbs that caught the attention of those they passed.

The nurses and doctors recognized Eren and Mikasa from their countless visits. Erwin and Zoe were easy to pick out, faces that people recognized from numerous reports over the last sixteen months. And Levi. His was a name spoken in every household, often brought up on television. Reports on him still ran as the government slowly began to release more information. Everyone knew Levi.

Erwin could see the surprise on their faces when they saw a tiny man in place of someone who by all rights and stereotypes should have been the size of Erwin considering the things he had done. People drank them in, filling their eyes with the vision of the five.

And then someone stopped them, a young, clean-shaven blonde man in a white nurse uniform. He was well over six feet, well built, and his blue eyes were dark – darker than his brother's. "Corporal Ackerman, 'm Mike's younger brother." Alex Zacharius. Erwin squeezed Levi's shoulder as they waited on the young man to continue, obviously struggling. "I… thank you. For trying to save m' brother. An' carryin' him." Mike and his brother weren't known for being particularly emotional but there was no denying the tears that streaked his cheeks and dripped onto his pristine uniform.

Levi took Alex's hand, clutching it hard within his own even though his small hand was dwarfed. His silver eyes were intense as he bowed his head in respect to Alex – and to Mike. "I only wish I could have gotten to him sooner. He was a good man. One of the best."

Levi had done something similar once to a dying soldier. He had taken their bloody hand into his own and said things that Erwin hadn't been there to hear. Petra and Levi refused to tell him purely out of respect to the deceased soldier. All he knew was that the soldier had died with a smile on his face and friends by his side.  _He's better with people than he thinks_.

Alex jerked his head slightly before he whirled around and disappeared down the hall, all the while wiping at his face. Levi peered up at Erwin, face tight but easier in expression. "I want to see them. The graves. The living."

"We will. Soon. I promise." When Levi got a little bit better. A month maybe, two at most.

It wasn't too much further to Armin's room. Eren hesitated outside, just for a moment before his prosthetic hand curled around the handle and let them in.

The lights were off but the curtains were open, stirring in the gentle, warm spring breeze from the cracked window. The flowers had changed, diminished in number, but otherwise the room was still the same.

Armin was still lying in the bed, blanks pulled up to his elbows, arms overtop the neatly arranged blankets. His chest rose and fell with even breaths, thankfully unaided by any tubes. A heart monitor beeped quietly beside the bed, steady blips for steady beats.

They filed in slowly. Mikasa and Eren pulled chairs beside the bed in motions all too familiar and practiced for such a tragic scene. Erwin didn't miss the way Eren cradled Armin's hand, the affection in his teary eyes. Zoe took the last chair and settled in on the other side, giving the three friends a little room.

It left Erwin and Levi standing at the foot of the bed, drinking in Armin. His blonde hair was too long for how he had usually kept it. Faint stubble covered his cheeks. "He shouldn't be here." Levi's voice was soft but still it filled the room as if he'd shouted it. "This world is so damn unjust. It fucked us all up. But we made our choices. We can't regret them, no matter the consequences. But we won't let that shit take away what matters, memory  _or_  real."

Eren sniffed quietly but nodded at those words. Small smiles slowly grew on those occupying the room. Levi had his moments when he could say the great things when they were most needed, even if didn't realize it himself. That was just how he was.

They stayed for an hour, reminiscing on old memories and just simply talking to the coma-locked blonde. The visit did them good.

That belief almost changed when Levi crawled into bed, his arm wrapped with new bandages. His body trembled faintly in a way that Erwin had quickly come to recognize. Levi had taken that cold metal to his skin again.  _Maybe we went too soon_. "I'm glad we went."

Erwin's fingers started down Levi's back, tracing lines along his spine through the shirt, feeling each ridge and bone. "Why? It made you…"

"No. I needed t' see Armin, to hear Alex. Can't keep regrettin'… Gonna try to stop. That's my declaration. Last time… Promise..." Levi yawned as Erwin mulled over his words. He rarely renegaded on his promises. Self-harm was a habit though and habits were hard to break.

"… I believe you." He murmured those words into Levi's forehead, followed by a tender kiss. It wasn't long before they slipped into sleep – Levi first, with even breaths and limbs that occasionally twitched, and then Erwin succumbed too.

* * *

 Pain dragged Erwin from sleep. It came in the feeling of something digging into his flesh and a body thrashing against him. Darkness cloaked the roomed when his eyes flew open but he knew where Levi was, what he had to do.

The blonde caught Levi's hands as he straddled the smaller man, pinning his thin wrists above his head. His body thrashed beneath Erwin as he fought off attackers that walked through his dreams. "Levi, Levi, it's alright, they aren't real."

The blonde didn't  _have_ to speak loud – Levi barely made a sound. But it had to be loud. He couldn't bear to strike Levi again. It had been an agonizing choice when he had resorted to it on that dark night. So all he could do was hold him down and try to keep him from accidentally hurting someone. Erwin's voice filled the room, carrying soothing words to the sleeping body below him.

Levi showed no signs of stopping. He jerked against Erwin, fought the hand that bound his. Legs jerked while his back heaved up in a fruitless attempt to buck off the heavy body that pinned him down. His head snapped from side to side, his expression twisted, hair wild, and sweat forming. Agony and rage flashed across his face, curling his lips into snarls or soundless wails.

Erwin's heart hovered somewhere in his stomach, a dead weight of despair inside it as he stared at Levi. His lips moved to chant those words, speaking words to ears that could not hear, a mind that could not see. Levi trusted him – he needed his help. Just like Erwin had needed Levi's help once.

A leg kicked out and caught Erwin's ankle. Pain lanced up as bones smashed together but his teeth ground together to block out everything but Levi. Only Levi. The ex-soldier pressed down harder as he spoke into Levi's ear. All the while his body thrashed. A whimper escaped occasionally, followed by a defiant snarl. Pale fingers curled and clenched above Erwin's hand as they closed around an enemy's throat or a trigger.

It lasted for ten minutes before Levi's movement gradually began to die down before it ceased altogether. His body slowly relaxed beneath Erwin, his muscles unclenching, his expression easing, relaxing as he escaped the talons of his nightmare.

Those silver eyes never opened. They flicked subtly between pale eyelids but he never once woke up. Erwin released Levi's hands and leaned back to hover above his sleeping friend. Lover? Boyfriend? Erwin sank down next to Levi again and settled in.

Fingers touched Levi's damp brow before they threaded through his messy, silky hair to push them back into place.  _It's astounding, the things he's gone through. The things he's still going through._  Erwin snaked his arm over Levi, pressing their bodies together. "Sleep well, Levi."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaah, we're halfway through BAB! I'll see you guys next week so until then, have a wonderful day/night/existence!


	5. Chapter 5

"Cut my hair." Erwin's gorgeous blue eyes rose from his book to stare at Levi. To take in the fact that Levi held a pair of scissors and an electric razor. "It's too fucking long." He hated how it brushed the tops of his shoulders, hung in his eyes, and just in general got it the way. The light weight of his hair and the breeze were but memories from a better time.  _I want those back_.

"… Levi, I'm not the best person for this anymore." Right. Erwin couldn't cut his hair without making it look like he'd lost a fight with a pair of hedge clippers. Levi perched himself of the arm of Erwin's chair, set the things down, and set his head beside Erwin's on the back of the gray chair. "I'll drive you to someone who can do it properly until I can completely master using my left hand."

"'Kay." How easy it was to forget how broken they were, even though he had seen Erwin's arm be torn from his body in some ungodly freak accident, even though he had seen so many things. They were easy to forget until a reminder sucker punched him in the jaw. Knocked him on his ass. Stole his breath away.

"Do you want it as it was?"

"Yeah."

"I'll bring a picture. You can't talk to people to save your life, let alone describe how your hair used to look."

Levi flicked Erwin in the temple even though he uttered the truth. It was still irritating, though he couldn't hold it against Erwin.  _Someone_  around him had to tell the truth and be trusted to do so – well, two someones. Erwin and Zoe. They could be trusted.

Levi snaked his arms around Erwin's neck as he pressed his cheek to that soft, thick blonde hair that smelled of fruit. A shoulder shifted beneath him as fingers traced Levi's cheek with an astounding and bewildering amount of compassion. It felt…  _right_. Strange but right in ways he couldn't even begin to fathom, let alone  _describe_. He didn't want to let go but he did and slipped off the arm of the chair. "Want anything to drink?"

Erwin's shoulders shook slightly in his peripheral. That stupid, intelligent, smug, gorgeous bastard. "Some tea, please."

Tea. He hadn't made it in so long. The last few weeks had been so damn hectic that he'd merely gone through the motions of readjusting, barely holding himself together. No time to bother making tea. But he remembered perfectly.

Erwin still owned a kettle –  _thank God_  – so it was a simple matter to boil enough water for several cups. It was another matter entirely to reach the tea leaves that Erwin had stuck literally as high as he possibly fucking could. That bastard. Thankfully, he didn't have to resort to any drastic measures to get their precious cups of tea.

The whistle of the kettle, the aroma of tea leaves, the sound of water boiling within the metal. It was all so familiar. Senses that he had longed for in the desert, ones he had too often thought he would never experience again. And yet there he was, leaning against the counter as he watched the kettle slowly heat.

_Amazing. Terrifying._

Erwin was waiting patiently when he carried the blonde's cup of blistering hot tea out – too hot for Erwin's tastes, but it would cool eventually. Especially since, knowing Erwin, he would re-immerse himself into his book until he entirely forgot about the cup Levi set on the table. It could be in his hand and it would fade from his mind.

The blonde reached for it but Levi caught his hand. He felt better than he had in months – even if he had slept like shit. Cerulean orbs flicked up to see his ever-so-slight smirk. "Payment first."

Erwin smiled, a faint, coy curl of his lips that sent butterflies swarming to Levi's stomach. The tall man leaned up as he leaned in. Their breath mixed with the faint smell of mint and the stronger, fresher aroma of Earl Grey tea.

Their fingers twined as their mouths pressed together, open and soft. Things he thought he'd never feel again. Or ever for that matter. Silver eyes fluttered shut. He let the world fade away to just them. Just the way Erwin caught his lip between gentle, playful teeth. The way that they didn't need to stick their tongues down each other's throats to have an amazing kiss.

Levi pulled away first, hovering an inch away. "Payment accepted."

"Good, because I don't have anything else to pay you with."

Levi opened his mouth but nothing came out. His mind was blank. Only one thought hung on his mind and the tip of his tongue.  _I love you_. A cough of disbelief burst from his throat and he pulled away, burying his face into his elbow as he faked a few more coughs. He could feel the burn in his chest spread to his cheeks, doubtlessly coloring them slightly.

Gentle fingers touched his shoulder but Levi pushed them back. "Need my tea." Erwin let him go, no suspicious or knowing glints entering his eyes. Just concern.  _I feel like a goddamn school girl. Jesus Christ, what the hell was that reaction? That thought?_

His fingers curled around his cup, steam sliding across his skin. He wanted to say that, to see what Erwin would do if he did. But it didn't feel right. Too much darkness in his heart. He was too damn unstable to make a declaration like that.  _Too haunted by the past._

Levi glanced out the door. Silver eyes instantly landed on a lump of…  _something_  on the stone of Erwin's porch. Levi moved to the door to get a better view.  _So help me God if this is something dead…_

A long tail lay on the gray stone. Four legs were carelessly stretched about. Two ears, pointed.

"Erwin… Erwin, there's a fuckin' cat on your porch." Levi peered through the glass pane. It was a pathetic, bedraggled, tiny thing. Its fur was disgustingly caked with dirt and God knew what else, bits of debris clumped in it. One of its legs was twisted in an awkward angle, even for a cat, with dark blood glistening on the dirt-fur. He wasn't even sure if its chest still rose and fell.

 _God dammit…_  Levi pulled the sliding glass door open. The kitten's head moved slightly, rising at the rumbling noise that sent its ears twitching and eyes straining to open. A pathetic mewl filled the air as its jaws parted to flaunt tiny white teeth and a pink maw.  _Dammit_.

The young man crouched down by the pitiful feline and scooped it up. It was impossible not to grimace or scowl. It was a fight to not inhale too much at the feel and smell respectively. Erwin stood in the door, eyes focused on Levi. He didn't say anything. "We need to go to the vet."

Erwin didn't even bother protesting. Thankfully, the blonde had practiced driving with one arm. Levi hadn't touched a car in so long that it was a miracle he remembered half the things about one. He focused on the way that thin chest rose and fell rapidly, the way gummy orange eyes managed to part ever so slightly to peer up at him. They pulled into the parking lot – deserted for the most part. Slow day at the clinic.

The smell swamped him the second they stepped inside.

The reek of antiseptic and cleaners that covered blood. Or maybe the blood was just from his memories. Everything was suddenly uncertain. He was stranded in a hurricane, about to be swept away. Levi froze at the door.

He could see the vet's clinic with its pale yellow tiled floors and whitewashed walls and counter made of some dark panels of wood. He could see a dirt-caked ceiling stained by the smoke from oil lamps and covered in arterial spray, darkened with age. Could feel hands that pressed his feverish, thrashing body into the bed. See the gleam of a bald, tan head hovering above him.

"Levi?" Confused stormy grays snapped up, locking on Erwin immediately. "Erwin…" His chest ached, lungs twisted around each other, constricting him. He couldn't breathe. Wasn't sure what was real. About to break.  _Again_. "Levi, go to the car. I'll be there in a moment."

Erwin took the cat from his trembling hands. Let Levi leave. The young man moved, feet carrying him, obeying his orders even though his mind had barely processed them. He managed not to stumble or break into a sprint to the car. The ungraceful fall-dive made up for the lack of weakness where the entire fucking world could see.

Levi curled up on the seat, eyes unseeing, only taking in the blood as he stared at his hands. He couldn't be calm or stoic, not when Death had him in its bony grip.  _I'm gonna die_. Levi's knees pressed into his chest. Bloody fingers dug through hair too-long and into his skull. Eyes clenched shut. No amount of pain or desperate thoughts could keep the memories from slamming back into him.

Nothing to ground him.

Nothing to stop it.

_They spoke in another language, one he'd learned before he'd been shipped overseas. "Another soldier. Damn, he's in a bad way. Where's Doc?"_

" _Operating on another kid. Allah, how old is this guy? Nineteen? Twenty? Look at this shit… Damn, who tha hell is savage enough for this?"_

" _Fuck, he's lucky he's alive."_

_Hands touched his body as they peeled the blood-caked clothes away from his aching body. His hand shot out and caught a wrist. "Allah!"_

_Levi jackknifed upright, agony flashing across his face as tender scar tissue pulled. Wild, dazed gray eyes flicked from one man to the other. Neither familiar. Both natives to the war-torn desert wasteland. Or some area nearby anyway. Different religion. Dry, cracked lips parted as two pairs of startled eyes drank their fill of him._

" _Er… win? Where's… Erwin?"_

_His body gave out. Black waves crashed over him before he even hit the lumpy mattress._

Sound stirred him momentarily, something touched him. But it all fell away as soon as it disappeared, sucked into the vortex of his mind.

 _The bullet tore through Levi's side a second before he crashed into the ground. Numbness lanced through his body for a split second before a pure blaze of agony seared through his side. He didn't make a sound, shock locking any screams inside his chest. His thoughts were blank except for one thing:_ Erwin is safe _._

_Shouts filled the air, cries of his name and orders to get a medic. Erwin's voice joined them, more panicked than it had ever been. He knew what Levi had done. Hands rolled him over as Zoe suddenly filled his vision, her sunglasses lost somewhere. Terrified brown eyes stared at him as her hands started to fumble over his side. A familiar sound broke through the sound of shouts and the cracks of gunfire._

" _No!"_

_He didn't know who shouted it. It didn't matter. A chopper that hung in the air over Zoe's shoulder suddenly burst into flames as the explosives from an RPG tore through it. Debris hurtled through the air, flying everywhere. Zoe dove over him, shielding him from the falling shrapnel and chunks of metal. Her body jarred and a soft groan radiated through her chest as his head was forced to the side by her shoulder. Pinned there as her body went limp._

_Erwin stood a few feet away, motioning like mad. His back turned to the chopper. Levi's breath caught as the blonde turned. As the broken rotor crashed down toward him. The blade smashed into Erwin's arm, tearing it away with too much ease, as if there was no fucking muscle, no bone in its way._

_The world slammed to a halt. Blood started to pour from the jagged stump. The blonde's mouth slowly opened. No sound. Erwin crashed to his knees. Fell forward. "Erwin!"_

He gradually became aware of the hand pressed against his back, the chest that rose and fell with his, the tears that stained his face. He was  _crying_. Slow, silent, horrified tears. So few in number but so damn painfully apparent.

"Levi, it's alright. Don't worry, you're safe. We're alright. We're alright."

His arms snaked around that warm, sturdy, muscular chest. It felt like home. Smelled like safety. "Erwin…"

That hand started to move in slow, soothing circles. Tracing bones, patterns, words. "I'm here. Always."  _Always_.

Levi's fingers twisted into the soft material of Erwin's shirt. "Always," he numbly repeated into the blonde's shoulder. "When… when I was in the hospital over there… I asked for you. I was delirious. Confused. But I wanted you. Needed to know if you were alright. Pixis came th' next week." Erwin didn't say anything, leaving the silence for Levi to fill if he chose to do so. "I saw the battle too… getting shot. Zoe covering me, hittin' her head. You…"

A soft hand cupped his face, thumb settling just beneath his eye. That amputated arm rose too, the scarred end clumsily bumping into his cheek before it settled there. Erwin leaned in until their lips brushed, their breath mixed. "Levi…"

He didn't need a million words to make Levi understand. Those two syllables that rolled off his tongue so easily were more than enough. Levi grabbed Erwin's wrist and ridged end of his arm as Erwin caught his lips. Levi let the blonde dominate his thoughts, even if he couldn't away the fear as easily as he wiped away the fresh tears on Levi's face.

* * *

His hair fell away, the heavy weight he'd become so accustomed to disappearing with every snick of the scissors. It was a fight to not connect that sound with the click of a safety but Levi managed with hands clenched against his knees.

Zoe snipped more away, clearing his vision as his bangs returned. Despite her eccentric personality that focused on more scientific things, Zoe was decent when it came to haircuts. Plus her work was free as long as they tolerated her for a while, bought her food, and gave her a drink, preferably booze. It was good to have here there too. She filled Erwin's gap just enough to make his short absence tolerable. "I taught Bean a new word. He's brilliant! Levi, you shoulda let me bring him!"

"You're not bringing a filthy bird into this house. I don't care how 'finicky' you say he is, it's not happenin'."

Another chuck of hair fell away. Slim fingers fluffed his hair out. "One day you'll accept him. Especially since you can teach him to cuss as much as you do!" Levi snorted. The scissors made a final pass through his hair before Zoe set them down. The razor came to life, an obnoxious shriek of a buzz in his ear.

He tilted his head forward, instincts screaming at him to now bow his head, to not show exhaustion, pain, or weakness. Harsh teeth sank into his lip. Fingers dug into his knees.  _Zoe. It's_ Zoe _, just Zoe._

The electric razor passed through his hair, leaving behind a short buzz of black in its wake. From ear to ear that razor skimmed along his skull, recreating his old undercut. The sound disappeared after a few minutes.

His fingers ghosted through his hair, his mind tearing itself away from the darkness for a moment to marvel at the short hair he'd longed for in those long months. The soft feel of short strands, the queer rasp of buzzed hair beneath his hand. It was so strange. So familiar. A relic of his old self, the one he could never regain.

Zoe swept stray strands of hair from his shoulders and neck after she gave his hair a good ruffle. "Alright, you're good to go!"

Levi pried himself from the wooden chair. Cool air rushed in, bliss to his burning, trembling body. The snick of scissors. The click of metal as they attached metal clamps to his body. Flipped a switch. Electricity coursed through his body from head to toe, searing his insides and turning his vision black and white. Levi sank down onto the steps of the porch.

His fingers dug into his arm, clawing at those almost-healed slashes that covered it.  _Calm. Be calm. Deep breaths._

The broom rasped along the smooth stone porch, swept the black fluff away. Clothes rasped, joined by muffled screams as they dragged a woman in.

A shoulder brushed against his as an arm settled around his shoulders. He tucked his head into the crook of Zoe's neck. It was a familiar place, a familiar embrace from times where he'd had a shit day or he'd felt the need to tell someone about Erwin. Or from times when she'd had a shit day or needed to talk about the kids who mercilessly teased her. Friendship, that's where it all was.

"Hey… you alright?"

They pressed a blade to the woman's throat and screamed at him in rough English, demanding he speak or another innocent woman would die. His lips remained sealed. Arterial spray splattered over him as they slit her throat in one swift, easy motion. Hot spots burned on his face where the droplets of blood had landed, agonizing even though they could never hurt him.

"They're everywhere Zoe… Can't stop seein', feelin', hearin'."

Her hand squeezed his shoulder as her temple pressed against the crown of his skull. His gut twisted. So many things collided in his mind as it fell into chaos. Fingers twitched. Arm ached.  _I need to bleed_. Levi froze, body suddenly cold, chilled to the bone. He couldn't do it,  _couldn't_ break his promise. But he  _wanted_ to. Wanted to crawl into the sanctuary of his room, turn the lights off, and bleed until he drifted into oblivion of one form or another. "Don't let me go… Not 'til he gets back."

Zoe obliged. They sat there in silence and clutched each other, immersed in their thoughts.  _She knows_. She knew he wasn't stable. About to break. What part was about to shatter, he didn't know. Hell, he was amazed there was anything left to crumble into dust.  _I'm a fuckin' wreck. I wish I'd died. I'm glad I lived_. Conflicted thoughts ran rampant through his mind but they slowly began to die down as he breathed.

Focused on the old times where they'd trash talk their old classmates for calling Zoe a creep and a weirdo or for calling him a fag or a cockwhore. Hurtful words that cut deeper than they could ever know. Focused on the times where they'd just talk about boys – who was cuter, who was nicer, who was gay and who wasn't. More discussions than he could remember.  _Good times_.

Silver eyes flicked up as a car pulled into the driveway, the turn a little clumsier than most would have been. The young man and woman stood in the warm sunshine and strolled over as Erwin slid out. "What the hell took ya so long?" A sheepish smile appeared on Erwin's face. "… You have the cat, don't you?"

The blonde pulled a sizeable animal carrier out of the back and handed it to Levi. It rattled a little as he took it. Most of the weight was positioned in the back, tilting it at an awkward as hell angle to hold.

"They were going to put her down if I didn't take her home with me."

Erwin and Zoe gathered the groceries, half of which seemed to consist of cat care products.  _If the house starts to smell like a litter box, I'll burn bleach holes in his clothes._  Levi set the cage down in the living room. Erwin and Zoe perched on the couch and a chair respectively.

They watched as he unlatched it, allowing the mesh front to swing open. He didn't bother to wait on it to crawl or bolt its way out. The young man stuck his hand in, gently grasped the ball of fluff, and pulled it out. The kitten was covered in fluffy black fur, so long that she looked like a fucking puffball. Curious orange eyes peered around, wide but not exactly terrified. Maybe.

Only three legs remained on her tiny body – a patch of skin was exposed where her front right leg should have been, stitches holding the skin together. "What's her name?" Levi set her down gently. She didn't even wiggle to escape from his grasp as her paws settled on the ground.

"They called her Piper there. We can change it if you want."

"… No. It's fine." Piper suddenly launched forward across the hardwood floor, paw outstretched as she leapt. The takeoff was graceful, brilliant even. The landing was an absolute wreck. Unaccustomed to one paw in the front, the tiny black cat hit the ground and fell to the side. She rose a second later with a frustrated mewl. Zoe burst into laughter that only grew harder when orange orbs spun around and glared at her.

Levi managed to crack a smile. "We can keep her."

* * *

He woke to gentle kisses and soft touches. Levi twisted his head as he caught Erwin's hand and wove their fingers together. Warm lips found his in the swiftly fading darkness. The fingers he held ran along his stomach, tracing light circles on his sensitive skin. Shivers traversed Levi's spine as heat blossomed in his chest.

The young man turned towards Erwin. His fingers threaded through that soft blonde hair, mussing it up as he licked at Erwin's lip. He pulled their heads closer together while the heat growing in his chest chased away the sleepiness, leaving nothing but hunger. Morning breath tasted disgusting but he didn't care. He was already past giving a damn.

"Erwin…"

It came out as a quiet, sighed moan, a plea for more. Levi shifted. He pressed Erwin flat on his back with one smooth motion and pulled back to gaze down at the blonde. At  _his_  blonde. His friend. His lover.

A sinful smirk curled those deceptively thin lips. Levi cupped Erwin's face, rough stubble rasping against his hands as their mouths collided again, faster than before. Heated nips and teasing licks fueled them as hands started to traverse bodies. Inhibitions were fading with the cloak of night, leaving behind nothing but that primal burn in his chest.

Fingers pushed his shirt up, exposing the scarred flesh beneath.

He froze – he couldn't help it – as they roamed a patch of skin that was too accustomed to abuse. Those fingers touched a scar as Levi slowly leaned back until he was perched atop Erwin's stomach, unmoving. Mind threatening to go blank. The blonde wasn't confused or concerned. No, just patient and warm. He hesitated, uncertain. Those brilliant blues gazed into him as they watched each other without speaking.

Levi's fingers hooked beneath his shirt. It hit the ground beside the bed with the faintest of sounds. Early morning light fell across his chest. Those scars stood out, stark against the pale backdrop. He knew where each one was, what had caused they. Not necessarily the when – time didn't exist in that damnable room – but he knew the answers to the other questions.

When it came, the touch was gentle. Long appendages settled over a circular scar below his ribs. "I thought you were going to die."

"The bullet lodging helped stop up th' blood."

"Still…"

The bullet had stopped and kept the blood from flowing as it should have. Allowed him to carry all those soldiers out. He'd almost had Ilse. Close, so damn close. And then they'd jumped him.

"Levi."

He flinched away from the hand that tried to touch his face. The fire inside was so fuckin' cold. Not even salvageable. "I'm sorry," he whispered. Apologizing. Just another thing he'd been doing that was out of the ordinary.

Erwin pulled at Levi and the small man let him press their bodies together. Tense muscles wouldn't conform to the embrace, but he lay there anyway. What had felt so good, so intoxicating, had been ruined. By him. By his memories.  _Naturally_.

The half-arm pressed against his side while soft fingertips because to glide across his back. Erwin's hand wandered over skin that alternated from smooth to rough to smooth again within a few centimeters, the change constant from the scars that dappled his back. They kept moving, tracing scars, dragging memories closer and closer to the surface.

Places where they'd cut the skin away, where they'd dug through the muscle and wiggled the blade until he screamed. Where the rock he constantly slammed against had scraped the skin raw and went untreated until it had festered. Where they'd branded him like a bitch – pressed the red-hot poker fresh from the fire against his skin until it seared and filled the air with the reek of burning flesh. The swirling, elegant, deceptive symbol for  _"abomination"_  in their language. Levi flinched at the touch, at the memories.

"Beauty…"

Silver eyes flicked up to stare at the blonde. "What?"

"The characters have many meanings. It's part of the second alphabet, this one. An obsolete character actually. It can mean abomination. But it also can mean beauty. Of soul, of body, of mind – it doesn't matter."

Levi stared at Erwin a moment longer before he stretched forward to press a tender kiss to Erwin's soft lips. "… I love you."

The hand on his back stilled, fingers spread, palm flat. "I love you too, Levi."

_I'm glad I lived._


	6. Chapter 6

"I had a wreck last week. I thought there was bodies on the road, that someone were shooting at me." The man, Neil, bowed his head to stare at his hands. There was a bandage over his eye but otherwise he seemed unscathed. Just extremely upset.

"Well Neil, we're glad you made it out." Lynn, the leader of the PTSD meeting, shot him a sympathetic glance. "Know that you are not alone in seeing such things. I had several wrecks myself because of that. Believe me when I say it gets easier over time, you just have to keep your mind open to the things we teach you here." Her amber eyes flicked up, touching each face as she continued to speak.

"We all face these kinds of problems now that we are back. Whether it's nightmares or hallucinations or terrible associations, it's the same for all of us. By sharing these stories we share our pair, our fear, and our baggage. A little more of all that goes away every time you speak of it and let someone help you remove that burden."

Erwin turned out as he glanced at the other soldiers. In many case, one could never have known anything was wrong with the attendees. Others had visible scars, testaments of their tours: a missing limb or limbs, scarred or burned skin, eyes milky with blindness. Erwin was one of the latter group. Levi fit in both – he hid his scars behind long sleeved shirts and concealing attire. One could almost never know of the scars he bore.

"Would anyone else like to share?" He saw those amber eyes roam across the room. They settled on he and Levi for a moment before they continued, but they returned a moment later. Levi had stood. Silver eyes were cast above the heads, like Levi was trying to ignore the fact that fifty other soldiers from all branches of the military were there.

He looked so small, so tense. But his presence captured everyone's attention. Heads turned to them. Mouths were clamped shut, breaths bated with anticipation. Everyone wanted to know about Levi, everyone wanted to pry a little more from his ironclad shell. And they were about to get a little more. Erwin couldn't help but smile. Progress. More progress.

"I had a panic attack. I was sitting in a friend's living room when an ad for some stupid shooter game came on. Just made me think of being back at the battle when I got shot an' I was tryin' to get the other soldiers out. Hell, it fuckin' drowned me in memories of that. I hit my friend. Thought he was an insurgent. One of the ones that took me. Tortured me."

Levi sat down as suddenly as he'd stood. Everything about him was closed off, from his facial expression to the way he crossed his arms. But under the cover of his other arm, Levi reached out for Erwin and clutched at his shirt.

Erwin didn't bother to pay attention for the remainder of the meeting, channeling his focus toward Levi instead. Murmuring things quietly into his ear whenever the tremors came back. Letting those nails bite into his skin until he was certain blood would start to flow, although he never attempted to remove them. The end of the meeting came abruptly – he only realized it when people stood and left.

A good number of the soldiers – Army, Navy, Coast Guard, Air Force, Marines – came up and gave Levi a pat on the shoulder or exchanged a few words with him. The small man managed to speak when he had too. Erwin did note that none who came up to speak to Levi looked put out at his cold state. They understood. More than any civilian could.

"Hello Levi, Erwin." Lynn pulled a chair up in front of them and sat down. Her amber eyes flicked between the two of them, studying them as Erwin studied her. She was inquisitive to say the least, but in a kind way. The war had done her no favors either – one amber eye was fake and the skin above and to the side of the glass eye made up of a ruin of flesh that had been stitched together and healed into rough, raised lines. But she still smiled, wide enough that Eren had some competition.

"Hello Lynn. How can we help you?"

She glanced over at Erwin before her attention refocused on Levi. "I just wanted to say thank you for speaking today. You've been with us for three months now and this was a big step – it always is. I'm glad you made it. It's only one of many, but you seem to be at a steady pace with them."

Levi shrugged as his nails pulled out of Erwin's skin. Their fingers slipped together and settled atop Erwin's knee. "Don't thank me. I about… flipped again."

"You wouldn't be the first." Lynn stood. "Thank you both. I hope you have a good day." She left them, the last ones sitting in the circle of fire, of cleansing.

He could still feel the ache from where Levi had head-butted him in the abdomen earlier, hard enough that he had lost his breath. But it paled in comparison to the relief and joy that flooded his veins. Levi squeezed his hand. "Let's get outta here." Erwin didn't bother to argue. Waves of tension rolled off Levi, almost tangible. Even so, he couldn't help but smile. Levi was doing well. After all, large steps follow small ones. With hope he wouldn't regress. "Do you want to drive?"

"Erwin, do you  _wanna_  die young?"

* * *

Blue eyes watched as Levi moved around the house with mechanical movements and blank eyes. He had taken shelter within himself on the drive back to their home, posture stiff, eyes somewhere else altogether. Erwin had barely managed to draw a response when he had leaned over and kissed Levi at a stoplight.

It wasn't all that surprising that Levi had immediately gone to the cabinet where all the cleaning supplies were stored. The small ex-soldier had been a whirlwind of action since then, moving systematically from room to room in an attempt to almost purify the entire house. To purify himself even. Erwin could do little more than watch.

Technically, Levi wasn't exactly doing anything destructive. Those slim, pale hands hadn't started to crack and bleed yet. They had eaten before they had gone to the meeting, so he wouldn't have been hungry. He was just… absent.

Either way, Erwin couldn't help but worry. Couldn't help but watch and wait until the void dissipated from his deep gray eyes, until the veil of numbness and God knew what else dissipated.

Thin, pale hands dragged a rag across the surface of the coffee table, annihilating imaginary armies of dust and leaving behind steaks of lemon-scented polish that would fade and leave the table glistening in the light. Water stains vanished beneath his hand. He moved on, over to an end table.

No words, just precise, quick, occasionally jerky movements as he dusted, scrubbed invisible filth from the windows, straightened things by a fraction of an inch. Levi didn't bother with a vacuum – it was probably too loud, too similar to something that could plunge him deeper into his personal hell.

Erwin hovered nearby as Levi swept the kitchen, finding specks of dust and dirt that wouldn't have been seen for at least another day or two.  _He's on a warpath_. The dustpan hit the trashcan with a thunk. Levi turned around – straight into Erwin.

The blonde caught him, hand enveloping his shoulder.  _This is where it helps to have two hands…_  A wry smile flitted across his lips as he reeled Levi in. Erwin leaned over until his chin was by Levi's ear, the one not pressed to his chest. "That's enough, Levi. You can stop now."

That small chest sank into his as a sigh rattled out of Levi's throat. Tentative fingers pressed into his back – along with the more unforgiving broom and dustpan. "It's not… It's not enough. Never gonna be enough."

"It  _is_. It's not your fault. Stop thinking that."  _Stop making yourself weak. Stop trying to make up for things you couldn't stop._  "Lev-"

"Shut up!" Levi jerked away. The dustpan clattered to the ground as the small man edged away. White teeth were bared in a vicious, furious snarl. Orbs filled with miniature storms glared at him, scalding yet frigid in a way that only Levi could have managed. Fingers clenched around the length of the broom, hard enough that his hands were a deathly white.

"I'm the reason they're dead! Why your arm's gone! I sent 'em t' their deaths!"

Erwin raised his hand, palm out. Sky blues swept over Levi. He didn't need a hint to understand his words. To remember that Levi had been the one to suggest that they go through that village and take out what was supposed to have been a small cluster of insurgents.

That Levi had been the one who had proposed it to him, and then he had taken it to Pixis, who had cleared it. Such a good idea at the time – brilliant even. Take a strategic but poorly-defended point and create a dent in enemy lines. They'd all lunged at the opportunity, at the chance for the push that might lead to the end of the war.

"Don't say it wasn't," Levi hissed. "'m the one that pressed ya, told ya to talk t' Pixis about it. You wouldn't have agreed 'f it hadn't been 'cause of me." He had come undone, unraveled at the seams,  _shattered_. "I had  _sixteen_ fuckin' months to think over this. It's  _my_  fault, Erwin." His head snapped from side to side, black hair flying. His empty hand rose to his head so pale fingers could dig into his scalp.

Erwin took a step forward with words locked in his throat. Levi had fallen apart. Completely and utterly. His bones were bare, the tough exterior little more than a faint memory. Erwin grabbed Levi's shoulder again.

This time, his grip was too tight for Levi to break free. The younger man didn't have a chance of escape or of beating Erwin with the broom until he let go. Arms pinned, pressed between Erwin and a wall, Levi had nowhere to go. Levi started to writhe, body twisting from side to side to no avail.

"Let go of me, asswipe!"

" _Levi_. It's not just your fault. It's mine too. It's Pixis's fault. It's his boss's fault. Don't act like it's just your burden to bear! I would have taken it to Pixis had it been you or Zoe or Eren or myself."

He'd had sixteen months to do nothing but think of what he'd done, what would come. Levi's number one rule was to not regret things – but every law could be broken, every rule had an exception. And that was Levi's exception.

"Listen to me." His voice was a soft breeze that carried his words to a clouded mind. "We all thought it was a good idea. Every single one of us. Don't regret it. You made a choice. I made a choice. We all made a choice. You don't have to bear this weight alone – you shouldn't have to."

The thin, body chest pressed against him heaved with a shaky, subtle laugh. "Bullshit."

"Zoe would agree. So would Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Petra, Oluo, Erd, Gunther, Mike, Nanaba, Ilse, Pixis, and everyone else." There was a flinch with every name he rattled off, reminders of the things Erwin knew he wanted to forget. But he had to face them; he had to conquer them. "It's not your fault. You didn't give the order. You just delivered information. If it was your fault, I'd tell you as much, but it isn't. It never was, so stop thinking that."

"… I can't."

"You  _can._  Focus on the good things. Remember them but purge that regret from yourself. Blaming yourself won't bring anyone back. I can't bring them back by blaming myself either. It's just something we have to bear and I  _know_  we can. I know  _you_  can."

The small ex-soldier had gone still at some point. His muscles were tense but he no longer fought back or tried to shove Erwin away. Slowly, two small hands settled against his back, the broom still in his clutches. Erwin smiled to the wall as his fingers rose to the soft, dark fringe of Levi's hair. It didn't last long as guilt chased away the relief.  _I should have said those things sooner. Hell, I should have seen it from the beginning. I guess seeing him, knowing he was really alive and that it wasn't just some mistake… Damn._

* * *

 

Hot water poured down his chest, steam curling above him. He raked his hair back, pulling the wet strands out of his face. It felt good on his muscles, on his aching stump. Tension had built up during the day, generated from a PTSD meeting and a long afternoon of gardening.

Bliss came in pounding waves of water as his thoughts slowed emptying as he focused on the small hands that ran through his hair, massaging shampoo and conditioner into his scalp. The touch was gentle, barely there as Levi brought the filth from his hair. His fingers were truly magic. Erwin leaned his head back into Levi's hands as a soft hum rumbled through his chest.

"You're so spoiled," Levi muttered.

Those slender digits moved to his undercut, rubbing the short hairs the wrong way and smoothing them out, only to do it once more a moment later. Movements that could have put him to sleep within a second, a minute had he not been standing upright.  _Maybe I can convince him to do some more of this later…_ "You're really good at this."

"Too bad I'm done. Straighten up before you fuck up your neck."

Erwin sighed, amused and disappointed that it couldn't continue, but straightened up and turned to let the suds wash out of his hair to gather at their feet before it all swirled away down the drain. "Turn around. I'll do your hair."

When he opened his eyes again Levi's back was to him, that pale, scarred expanse. So much scar tissue, most of it shades darker than the rest of his flesh. But his fingers didn't trace those scars. They mixed shampoo and conditioner into that soft, soaking hair instead. His work was clumsier than Levi's. One hand made it hard as hell to wash his hair but Erwin still managed.

Deft fingers stroked those ebony locks back, kneading the suds into his scalp until his hair was clean. He couldn't work the same magic as Levi, not anymore. But he could still do something, he could still be useful. A fact that Levi saw fit to reinforce whenever he woke feeling agony in his arm and doubt in his heart.

"Rinse time," he murmured into Levi's ear. He twirled them around, trading their positions. Levi leaned back into the water and ran his fingers through the sudsy black locks. A small smile lit up his face, a tiny, relaxed curl of his muscles. It was beautiful. Absolutely  _beautiful_.

Erwin swooped in and kissed the skin between his eyes, his nose, his cheeks, his lips. The scent of vanilla soap covered his skin, filled the steamy air as Erwin breathed it in, let it intoxicate him. His hand curled over Levi's hip bone, pulling Levi out from beneath the stream. His mouth wandered over that pale skin, worshipping it as it were.  _Finally_.

Levi shivered against him, hands settling on his shoulder blades. The blonde nipped at Levi's collarbone, his tongue swept over the damp skin. He could feel heat start to pool in his stomach, feel Levi start to respond to his touch. Their hips rocked together, soft skin meeting, bringing a moan out of Levi. A soft, arousing sound that sent tremors down Erwin's spine, urged him on. Slim digits dug into his back, all fingertips, no nail.

"We are  _not_  havin' sex in the shower… Not our first time at least."

Erwin couldn't help it. He laughed - loud, uncontrollable laughter as he pulled back, hand retreating to a more suitable part of Levi's hip. Levi flicked his nose, rose up onto his toes, and kissed his lips. "It's a good thing we have no shame then… and that we aren't ruled by our desires," he murmured over the hiss of water.

He took Levi's hand into his, brought his thin arm to his mouth. Thin, raised scars dappled the skin. Some were fresh, from just a few days before. But most were fading. They would never completely disappear, just like the other scars, but it didn't matter. He was beautiful. He loved every bit of it.

The hot water petered out, leaving them standing in a steamy box of tile and glass. They stepped out and grabbed towels. It was so mundane, so ordinary. But there was something so special about sharing a shower, of touching and kissing and washing each other's hair. After everything that had happened, it was so damn mundane. And Erwin loved it. Every single second of it.

* * *

 

The flesh was gone, replaced by nothingness, but that was gone too. Carbon fiber took the place of both, sculpted to resemble what he had lost, covered with faux flesh in his skin tone. Every nerve was tingling, anticipation burning in his gut. The feeling was unfamiliar, of having something where for nearly two years there had been nothing.

A finger twitched, a fraction of an inch. They curled, closed in, made a fist. Erwin pressed his hand to his mouth, clenched his jaw between his thumb and forefinger.

Two hands squeezed his shoulders - one thin and strong, the other soft and slim. Levi and Zoe.

The prosthetic hand slowly uncurled. He could  _feel_  it, right down to the tips of his carbon fiber fingers. Slender fingers swept across his cheeks, wiping away one tear, then another.

"Stupid," Levi rasped in his ear but the joy and pride were overflowing in that single word. His face was doubtlessly blank - except for his eyes. Those brilliant silver-gray eyes that always let a person see right down to his core as long as they knew how to how to read Levi. On the other hand, Zoe had no shame in crying a few happy tears for her friend.

Erwin kept stretching his fingers as the doctor continued his chatter, explaining the exercises they would go through before he could go home. Describing the maintenance for the prosthetic, how to keep it clean and structurally sound.

Some distant part of Erwin took his words in but the majority was focused on the marvel before him. At the feeling of having sensation that wasn't just locked in memories and phantom limb syndrome. And it even looked like a real limb. "Skin" that stretched, with prints that had been taken from his military records and etched into the fingers. No hair - no point in that after all - but it looked like real skin. Didn't feel real, but that hardly mattered. Even the limitations to how much he could feel couldn't dampen his mood.

Erwin grinned and bent it at the elbow, extended his arm. They went through a series of exercises to ensure that the prosthetic was properly connected and fully functioning. He lifted glasses, curled each finger independently, then together, and squeezed one of those foolish little stress balls among others.

"Now some of the actions will be a bit awkward at first. Expect to break several things until you become accustomed to how it reacts to your neural impulses. Most people become acclimated within a few weeks, although you seem like you're already getting the hang of it. Unfortunately, some people still experience symptoms of phantom limb syndrome. We cannot erase that completely, but this new line of prosthetics seems to help with that - it gives a semblance of actually having the limb again."

The doctor patted his prosthetic arm - something he could actually  _feel_  through some complex array of sensors and faux nerves. It was weird as hell.

Levi leaned over as the doctor left to fetch the forms for them to sign - and to total up the price for the prosthetic. "This'll make it so much easier in bed…"

"Levi!" He slapped Levi's thigh but he felt Levi smirk against the side of his head and pull away. It didn't stop the little seed that Levi's comment had planted. It  _would_  be easier to do so much, but he was truly looking forward to holding Levi close with  _two_  arms, to doing God knew what else. Levi would doubtlessly think of something.

Erwin chuckled as he flexed his fingers once more. Curling those new digits into a new palm.  _If I didn't know better, I'd say this_ was  _my arm._  The blonde twisted and brushed his lips along Levi's cheek. "It's a good thing the army gives up decent pay and helps cover for this, even if you're getting a prosthetic  _ages_  after."

Zoe tapped the prosthetic skin. She couldn't hold back the squeak of excitement at how it sank in around her forefinger. "Even so, this can't be too cheap… I wanna crack it open, analyze it, see how it wo- Okay, okay, Levi, I won't! Promise!"

 

Erwin grinned - it was impossible to hold back. Things were… complete. Whole. And they could only get better.


	7. Chapter 7

Levi was on Erwin the moment the door shut. Their mouths collided, noses bumped, teeth clacked together. He nipped at Erwin's lip, then his tongue. The taste of the Spearmint gum that Zoe had given them was everywhere - in his mouth, in Erwin's. Better than some alternatives.

Strong arms wrapped around him, one softer than the other but both still arms. Ten fingers tangled in his hair, some clumsily pulling and clutching at the black locks, some gliding through effortlessly. It was strange, alien after growing accustomed to the feel of one arm, of five fingers. It didn't matter.

He'd gotten distracted at the doctor's office. He'd been holding in the heat for so damn long. Containing it any longer was impossible. His hands tugged the white cravat he occasionally wore from around his neck, then fumbled with Erwin's bolo tie. Both articles hit a coffee table as Levi hooked his fingers through Erwin's belt loops and jerked their hips together.

The groan that rumbled through Erwin's chest was almost as satisfying as the wave of heated pleasure that ripped through his chest. He was so unaccustomed to the heat, the desire, the pleasure that every wave felt like it could stop his heart.  _I'm like a fuckin' virgin._

Erwin broke their sloppy kiss to attack Levi's neck, to suck and bite and leave patches that would bruise, temporary marks of his love. Levi shuddered as Erwin's tongue swept across his skin, as he sucked at kissed his shoulder while his hands moved ever lower. Erwin's fingers trailed fires that burned across his skin, igniting every single inch of his body. Their clothes needed to go and  _soon_. But thoughts of that faded away as Erwin began to knead his ass, firm but gentle.

A quiet gasp escaped Levi and he tugged their hips together again, creating more of that delicious friction. He was so damn sensitive. Every inch of his body was on fire, every touch foreign but welcome, demanded even. The young man let his head drop back, exposing more of his neck for Erwin to attack and devour. Hard bites alternated with tantalizing swipes of that warm tongue, dragging a soft moan out of him. Their hips ground together again as pale fingers fumbled with Erwin's belt buckle. Erwin chuckled as Levi failed once, twice to undo the belt before he succeeded on the third attempt. He didn't dwell on the relief at that as he pulled Erwin's slacks down, leaving the boxers up for the time. His attention refocused on the buttons of Erwin's shirt - damnable things that kept his body hidden, kept them apart.

"So eager," Erwin purred into his shoulder as his warm fingers slid along Levi's back, making circles just above his hip in a way that knocked the breath right out of him with a loud moan.

"Fuck you," he hissed as he undid the final button, body on fire as they kept grinding, as Erwin kept up with that mesmerizing movement on his hip. Levi kicked one shoe off, then the other, casting them off in opposite directions. It didn't matter. It didn't matter that articles of clothing were starting to litter the ground. Only that ungodly mouth mattered as it sucked hard at his neck, teeth sinking into his pale flesh. Hot and cool fingertips dragged the fire up his sides as Erwin steadily worked his long-sleeved black shirt up.

That mouth broke away for a second so Erwin could tug Levi's shirt over his head as he kicked his slacks to the side. "Not… even the bed?" Erwin murmured between heated kisses and nips along Levi's collarbone, ones that sent shivers down his spine and sent his cock pulsing in his too-tight jeans.

"Fuck that," he hissed, too impatient to attempt to make it to the bed, let alone wait much longer. "It's happening  _now_."

Firm hands brought their hips crashing together again, adding to the needy ache in his chest and the mounting waves of ecstasy burning through his body. An uncontrollable moan shuddered out of his throat at the delicious friction. " _Erwin_." Levi normally didn't beg but  _fuck_ , he would plead to taste more of that mouth, to feel those fiery fingers drag across his body, to feel Erwin filling him up, turning him into a boneless, senseless mess. He needed it, needed to press their bodies close and feel nothing but a glorious white oblivion.

Bruised lips closed around his nipple, bringing silver eyes snapping open as his mouth fell open even though he couldn't make a sound. It lasted until a sinful tongue lapped at the rosy bud before Erwin started to suck and bite at it. Levi's back bowed toward Erwin as loud groans rumbled through his chest. Those damnable lips twitched up against his skin, the faint brush sending chills racing down his spine, adding to the building inferno that blazed within. Erwin tugged at Levi's belt, succeeding in removing that and unbuttoning his jeans faster than Levi could have. Firm hands jerked his jeans and boxers down, letting a rush of cool air rush against his aching cock.

Levi stepped out of the last remnants of his clothing and hooked his fingers into Erwin's light blue boxers. That hand was back at his hip, rubbing intoxicating circles as teeth delicately nipped at the shell of his ear. Erwin pushed Levi back one step, two, more steps until the backs of his knees hit the arm of the couch and he sank over it until his back was pressed flat against the soft material, Erwin looming over him, sweat beading on his skin and a feral, hungry glint in his eyes. Levi's breath vacated his lungs as those dark blue eyes roamed down his body, drinking him in before Erwin pulled the end table's drawer open.

A little bottle of lotion flashed between his fingers before it disappeared into his fist as he advanced on Levi. The smaller man wriggled backward, giving Erwin more room. The couch dipped as his knees sank in, as Erwin settled his hand on Levi's knee. "God, you're beautiful." Levi didn't even have a chance to respond before Erwin pushed his knee to the side and ducked his head down.

There was no warning when his hot mouth wrapped around the head of Levi's cock. Levi jerked up, body curving toward Erwin as a guttural moan escaped his throat. The world crumbled to the wet heat that surrounded his swollen length, to the tongue that lapped at the slit, to the slight sucks that threatened to drive him wild. Fingers laced together with his and squeezed.

The back of his head slammed into the soft cushions as Erwin bobbed his head down, enveloping him inch by inch in indescribable heat, pleasure. Pale fingers clawed at those broad shoulders before they dug into those silken blonde tresses. It took every ounce of willpower Levi had to not jerk his hips up, to push Erwin's head down.

That sinful man twisted his head to the side, teeth lightly grazing the sides of his throbbing cock, his tongue massaging the underside. Quiet slurps and squelches accompanied every twist, every bit of suction. Ragged gasps burned out of Levi's chest. A white-hot wave was building in him, threatening to overwhelm. His hips heaved up into Erwin's mouth as the blonde came down on him again, tongue pressing on his member in ways that stole his breath, that pulled Erwin's name from his lips. And then a long, slick finger pressed against his ass and pushed in before he could make the connection.

It was all too much. Feeling that skillful tongue, those eager lips, that finger as it curled against his walls. Levi's head dug into the cushions as his back bowed upward, hips jerked toward Erwin. A strangled moan filled the air as he convulsed in the throes of that blinding heat, giving in completely to the ecstasy as it blazed through him. "E-Erwin!" His body jerked once, twice more before it slumped down, sweaty and slick and gross but he didn't give a damn. Shudders rippled through his body as the heat started to slowly drain away.

Silver eyes cracked open, pale lips parted. Erwin wiped a small drop of cum off his chin and licked it away. And then the finger still inside him crooked, dragging at his walls. Levi jerked against the digit with a gasp, the receding heat slamming back into him. Clumsy fingers wandered across his too-sensitive skin, trails of heat following in their wake. "I hope you didn't think we were done," Erwin purred, the rough timbre eliciting chills in Levi.

"No," he managed to choke out before Erwin's finger started to move, pressing in deeper and deeper, stroking his walls and searing him from the inside out. Levi's hips rose as a whine fell from his lips, breaking the mostly incoherent words that were spewing from his mouth. " _More_." A soft laugh accompanied the second slick finger as it slid in.

The new addition was uncomfortable but that discomfort fell away as Erwin bowed over him, silencing his mindless babble, swallowing his moans with an open mouth, a teasing tongue, and fingers that circled and stretched and dragged at his insides. Fresh beads of precum dripped onto his chest, smeared across Erwin's as that delectable heat rose, thirsty for more.

Slim hips bucked up when a third finger slid in, spreading him, stretching him in ways he'd almost forgotten of. Erwin ground against him, the bulge still trapped in his boxers rubbing against Levi's leg. Ragged gasps spilled together, the heat searing through both of them, boiling their blood. Those damnable fingers delved deeper and deeper into him, searching, seeking,  _finding_. Levi broke away with a desperate, primal sound that sent blood burning through his cheeks even as he pressed against Erwin's hand, eager for more, so much more. Dying to see more of those stars, to feel the white-hot jolts that ricocheted up his spine.

Blunt nails dragged at that broad, barren back, leaving furious red lines of passion as Levi writhed beneath Erwin. He needed more, more,  _more_. The fingers abruptly left, leaving him gasping on the couch, eyes clenched shut and body blazing with need. Silver eyes cracked open as his wrecked voice formed a coherent word: "Erwin?"

The blonde tugged his boxers off, leaving them both bare to the cool air, giving a little more skin to touch, to mark. Levi stole the lotion from Erwin and pulled his blonde back down for a sloppy, wet kiss, all biting teeth, clashing tongues, and rough lips as the cool, creamy liquid smeared across his fingers. They curled around Erwin's twitching member, smearing precum and lotion from tip to base. Erwin broke away, a low moan of appreciation rumbling through his chest.

Darkened blue eyes stared into Levi as his hand twisted, fingers squeezing and tracing veins. As the slender, pale digits reached the base and paused for a moment to cup Erwin's balls and squeeze, the larger man bowed his head down. Shaky breaths washed over Levi's shoulder as careless teeth sank in, followed by a gentler tongue. He couldn't tell if he was closer or Erwin. All knowledge of that had escaped him. And it didn't fucking matter. Levi swiped his thumb across the slit and squeezed, his tightened hand sliding down the slick member, working a louder moan out of Erwin, one that sent chills racing up his spine.

" _Erwin_." His voice was hoarse, barely audible over their gasps and groans, but Erwin must have heard because he pulled away and caught Levi's hand, pulling it away from his swollen cock.

Their fingers twisted together over Levi's head, their elbows dug into the back of the couch. A slim leg hooked around Erwin's waist, drawing him closer as Erwin's slick cock pressed against his puckered hole. All his breath was gone, stolen by anticipation and the fire that seared his insides. He pulled Erwin toward him, urging him on. That was all it took. Levi winced as Erwin slowly pressed in, stretching him further and further, sending tendrils of pain up his spine. Soft lips brushed across his cheeks, over his nose, settled on his mouth. "Relax…"

"Easy for you to say," he hissed. But the pulsing heat inside him slowly erased the pain, hiding it behind the delicious feeling of being filled to the brim, of feeling Erwin rub his walls in ways that fingers couldn't quite accomplish.

"God, you feel so good." It was a mere whisper as Erwin stilled, a kind gesture to let Levi relax.

He wanted none of that. The pale man squeezed Erwin's fingers and pushed on his back. " _Move_."

Rough fingers dug into his hip as Erwin pulled back, agonizingly slow. His hips started to rock in slow, steady movements, ones that send waves of fresh heat flooding through Levi's body. And  _fuck_  did it feel astounding. Shuddering breaths tore from Levi's throat, thighs twitching against Erwin as he rocked back into Erwin, desperate to take him deeper, to have that spot brushed, touched,  _rammed_.

His tongue was a traitor, spilling Erwin's name as the blonde's pace started to increase. The hand on his hip left, pressing into the couch beside Levi to stabilize Erwin. Heated, uneven breaths grazed over his collarbone. Flesh slapped against flesh, every thrust bringing a sound, a whimper, a blaze of pleasure rocketing through his body. Erwin thrust in harder, deeper, a moan of his own filling the air. But Levi barely heard it. His head dug into the cushions as his vision disappeared in a white inferno of ecstasy.

A broken cry left his mouth, his chant of Erwin broke, filled with "more" and "faster". Everything burned. He was about to combust, about to be torn apart by the blaze that scorched his very being. Distantly, he felt Erwin's pace growing erratic, going faster, following his demands. Levi writhed, legs trembling, body shaking as he gasped out Erwin's name and drowned in that heat. A warm hand curled around his aching, neglected cock. Levi's back jerked up into Erwin's hand, every muscle going rigid as his own personal rapture slammed into him, urged on by Erwin's erratic thrusts, by the hand stroking his swollen, twitching member.

Heat flooded through him as he came, body shuddering and spasming, into Erwin's hand, clenching down around his thick cock. Their moans melded together, broken sounds of raw ecstasy. His back somehow rose higher, every inch of his body screaming at the overwhelming onslaught of heat and pleasure. Renewed shudders rippled through Levi's body as new, foreign heat filled him as Erwin came inside him with a groan. Their bodies trembled together as they remained there, frozen in place, basking in their self-made rapture.

Gradually Levi's sweat-slick back returned to the couch as his body began to relax, the euphoric heatwave fading. The fingers twined with his gave a gentle squeeze as Erwin pressed their slick, sticky, warm chests together. "Heavy…" It only elicited a soft laugh instead of movement. He didn't really care. It felt nice in its own weird, disgusting, rib-crushing way. Ragged breaths mixed as their hearts slowly returned to a normal pace.

A clumsy finger brushed his cheek. Silver eyes hazy with exhaustion and bliss cracked open. The warm blue eyes and loving smile made the effort worth it. "I've wanted to do that for so long…"

Levi snorted, "You aren't the only one."

"We have no stamina."

"Yet…" Warm lips nuzzled at his neck. Even the slight touch sent his sensitive skin blazing. It likely would for a while yet. "Don't get comfortable… We need a shower."

"Seriously?"

"I feel gross." Soft chuckles filled his ears. A tiny smile flickered onto Levi's lips.  _God, I love him..._

* * *

Pale fingers skimmed over a blemished neck, ghosting over the darkened patches of flesh. Purple and blue and red. He almost looked colorful with them. If he peered closer into the mirror he could almost see the marks where teeth had sunk in. A muted laugh shook his shoulders. Hickies. He had fucking  _hickies_. Something he thought would never stain his neck again. Levi gently pressed against the tender flesh.

Shivers traversed his spine at the touch and the memories it stirred. Ones of heated touches and delicious friction and so much more. Twenty-four hours had yet to pass since they'd pressed their bodies together on that couch and…  _Sex_ didn't quite fit. Made love felt more apt, even if it was stranger to think of, let alone say. Despite that, he had no regrets about it, even if it had required deep cleaning the couch, ridding it of the memory of sweat and and passion. They could make more memories of that elsewhere. A small smile tugged at his lips.  _I can't wait_.

He returned to their room and pulled on some clean clothes - including a shirt that managed to hide the majority of the hickies. Not that it mattered. It wasn't like he was going outside in the foreseeable future. Piper lifted her head as he tossed his clothes in the hamper. Despite his protests, there was no keeping the mangy feline off the bed. Though if Levi was being entirely honest, he knew he didn't mind. She was a spot of warmth, hope, and humor. A thunderous purr poured from her throat as Levi scratched beneath her chin, the long, silky black fur sliding easily through his fingers. She was still purring when he left, orange eyes half open.  _That damn cat..._

Zoe and Erwin dominated the gray couch when he emerged from the room, bowls of popcorn and mugs of tea in their hands. Amber and blue eyes flicked up to him, amusement and love glimmering in their respective depths. Legs shifted and space was made for him, enough that he could squeeze in and curl up on Erwin's lap, his pale feet on Zoe's thigh. "What're we watching?"

Zoe grinned - one of those obsessive fangirl ones that was fucking  _creepy_  - and held up a movie case:  _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_. Well, at least she had picked a decent movie this time. Levi dipped his head in a nod of approval. It only broadened her smile as she started the movie and started to crunch a disgusting amount of popcorn in her mouth.

A warm hand settled overtop his, their fingers curling together in a way that had become pleasantly familiar in the last few months. So much had changed. He couldn't pinpoint where, when it had started. When he had returned home? On that mission? Before their deployment? The day he met Erwin? It was impossible to tell. And he was fine not knowing. That didn't matter as much as the man he leaned up against as the hand overtop his with its fingers tangled with his, of the gentle kisses to his ear.

Dramatic music and a light-colored intro pulled his attention back to the movie - that and the fact that Zoe's legs were bouncing like mad as her wide amber eyes stared at the screen, an expression of undiluted glee spread across her face. "Idiot," he teased. The brunette flicked his foot, her excitement only growing. Levi tilted his head back until he could almost see those oceanic eyes. "We shouldn't let her pick movies. She's a fucking brat."

Deep rumbles of laughter shook Levi as Erwin laughed beneath him. "That she is. But you're the one who said she could pick."

"... Dammit."

"Hush!" Zoe hissed at the pair, accompanied by a slap to Levi's foot as the movie began.

It was tempting to antagonize her and continue talking but Levi fell silent, silver eyes trained on the television screen. Maybe another time he could be a bit more of an ass, but he still wasn't ready to take advantage of her presence, of Erwin's, of anything really. Unease still lurked in his veins. Anxiety dragged at him. PTSD still held him within its harsh grasp, a bird of prey clutching its next meal. But he was wriggling free. And for a time, he could feel safe, pressed against that warm, solid chest. He wasn't alone. And for that, he was infinitely grateful.

* * *

Cool winds danced around them, tugging at their jackets as they strode through the field of the dead. Pristine, polished headstones, uniform in their white color and simple shape, dotted the land, evenly spaced across the rolling green hills, broken only by the occasional tree and the thin, brick paths. Most had bodies buried beneath the unbroken summer grass. Though there were some that only had empty coffins to boast.

At the center of the graveyard there was a monument, statues and murals of different materials depicting the wars they had taken part in. And in the middle of that, the flag of their country rippling in the wind. The national cemetery was a place of sorrow, but also one of reverence. But all Levi could feel was mounting dread as they approached the first of the graves he intended to visit.

He tugged on the collar of his formal military uniform. It was a little loose after the weight he'd lost and still had yet to gain back, but it felt constricting nevertheless. He knew it was still the right choice. There was a need for some sort of macabre closure, as if that could somehow stop the demons from haunting his moments, whether they were waking or sleeping. Because Levi needed to say goodbye. They stopped too soon for his tastes. Erwin didn't walk with him to the grave. The blonde stayed on the path, just far enough away to give Levi a little privacy.

The former soldier crouched before the grave, so similar to the rest. Yet it was completely different. Separate because it bore Ilse Langer's name with a Star of David etched above her name, the dates of her birth and death below, followed by her rank, her unit, and the medals she had been awarded. A brilliant, vibrant woman reduced to a corpse in a coffin six feet under, etchings on a tombstone, and memories.

"You shouldn't be here." Or maybe she would have ended up in the plot either way, whether it had been because she was a casualty in that firefight or another. But it didn't ease the guilt. He'd seen her. He'd been so damn  _close_. And then they'd taken him. "I'm sorry… You were a good woman. A good friend." What else could he say? It wasn't like she could hear. Not as far as Levi believed at any rate.

Pale fingers traced the letters of the name before his other hand came forward, thin, clear plastic film crinkling as he withdrew two flowers from the bundle. One was a tiny peach rose - pure and simple. They'd caught his eyes when he was at the shop. The other, he didn't know the name of. Six slim purple petals stretched out from the center into a little bloom, each one edged with violet. At least a dozen of the little flowers covered the flower, beautiful in a strange way. Zoe had helped with those, only offering a sad smile, not bothering to spout of the old bullshit Victorian meanings like she tended to. And Levi preferred not knowing. He rose slowly, touched the top of Ilse's headstone once more, and did the final honor he could. One final salute, hand clenched tight over his heart.

He rejoined Erwin on the path. Their hands slipped together, warm and comforting as the blonde amputee led him further into the graveyard. They turned down a row, feet whispering over the grass as they walked to the next grave, a five minute walk from Ilse's.

A simplistic cross was etched into the top, followed by his name: Mike Zacharius. Date of birth. Date of death. Rank. Medals awarded. The only difference between his grave and hundreds of thousands of others were the things that had been left: fresh flowers in patriotic hues set up in a little vase; a miniature flag of the nation lain across the base of the headstone; the tiny picture frame with Mike's image in it. He wasn't smiling - Mike was too professional and contained for that - but his sky blue eyes were bright beneath his caterpillar eyebrows. The soldier was in formal dress, blacks and golds and reds suiting him better than most. Mike looked so damn proud of where he'd gotten, the things he'd done.

 _But that got you killed, didn't it?_  The bitter thoughts seared through Levi's mind, a cruel reminder that he had played a hand in the deaths of four soldiers. A burden he would carry around for the entirety of his life.

The young man laid the flowers down - they didn't belong in the vase that Alex had doubtlessly put there. It just felt disrespectful. Levi bowed his head, clasped his hands. "Mike… shit. I'm sorry. So damn sorry. If I'd been a little quicker… I miss ya, big guy. Even your weird thing for smelling people. You were good to be around. Someone who stayed sane despite the shitstorm we were in. It's not gonna be the same without you."

He stayed there for a few moments more, crouched by a silent grave, unable to choke out any more words. And somehow, that was okay. Because his chest felt a little lighter. Not much. But enough. Enough to keep moving. Fist over his heart, Levi gazed down at the white marble, saluting his friend one last time. His fingers traced the name before they refound Erwin's hand and they moved once more, deeper into the fields of the dead.

It was surprisingly peaceful considering where they were, what they were surrounded by - death, despair. Hope, in a strange way, accompanied them. Maybe it was because he only saw one funeral - or rather, the aftermath of one - in progress as they approached the final graves.

They were side-by-side, both in life and death. Close friends, part of Levi's personal "squad", though it had been nothing official. Erd and Gunther. The humorous, energetic, open blonde and the soft-spoken, easy going, but intense brunette. Polar opposites in some ways, but both had been loyal -  _to a fault_. Levi knelt down between the two graves. Choosing between them, picking one to kneel by first - he couldn't do it. Because, damn the consequences, he'd gotten closed to his "squad", to Petra and Oluo and Erd and Gunther. He'd let them in and they'd become good friends before he'd truly realized. And when he had, it'd been too damn late.

 _Of course_.

Levi brushed his fingers across their names, across the Catholic Celtic cross at the top of Erd's and the Wheel of Dharma on Gunther's.

And he couldn't find a  _single_  damn word to say.

His mouth was a desert, throat clamped shut, a spear twisting through his chest. Even his eyes wouldn't cooperate, void of tears that could have taken the place of words. But his mind and body betrayed him, locking him in silence as he crouched by their graves, head bowed, unable to find the words he wanted to say. Levi set the flowers at the base of their headstones and stood with a hard swallow.

"I'm sorry…"  _For everything_.  _For not saving you_. Agonized smoky eyes rose. He blinked, shock holding him still for a moment.

The gravediggers had halted their operation to face them from a hundred yards away. Their hats were off, clenched behind their backs in sweat- and dirt-stained gloves as the other sat over their heart, thumbs facing out. Levi bit his lip, blinked furiously in an attempt to fight back against the burn in his eyes, and pressed his fist to his chest, the other hand clenched at the base of his back. They dropped the salute together, Levi, Erwin, and the gravediggers.

Everything was chaotic when his hands returned to his sides. A maelstrom of pain and relief that made it impossible to tell how he felt. But Levi left the national cemetery with his head held high and a heavy weight off his shoulders. Perhaps it was temporary.  _But maybe it isn't._  "Thanks, Erwin."

The blonde squeezed his hand gently before he returned it to the steering wheel. Levi didn't complain. He wanted that touch, but he didn't  _need_  it. Not like he had. There was a weight off his chest, an absence of something that had plagued him for so long. Silver orbs flicked over and studied Erwin.

_I think… I think I'm ready to live._


	8. Epilogue

**Excerpts from:** _**Sixteen Months With the Enemy** _ **by Karla Pace**

**A foreword by Zoe Hange:**

"A good friend of mine once said "The world is cruel, but it is also very beautiful." When we were at war - Erwin, Levi, myself, and many others mentioned in this book - I thought I might have known what she meant by that. Everywhere we looked, we saw violence, death, and fear. Such gruesome, terrible things were happening over there.

Two months after we arrived, we stumbled across a rural village that had been pillaged by the enemy insurgents, all because they supported our presence in the country. Women had been raped, people of all ages and genders had been murdered, homes had been put to the torch. Few survived the assault and those who did escaped with wounds. But the moment they saw us arrive in their village, their terror dissipated. They had faith in us, in our ability to protect them from their fellow countrymen.

A little girl approached Levi, Erwin, and I. There was blood coating her face from a huge gash but she still grabbed the fabric of our pants, tugged, and managed to smile. A beautiful thing against a cruel backdrop.

But that is not the most striking thing I have witnessed - that was the recovery of not only myself, Erwin Smith, Eren Jaeger, Mikasa Ackerman, and countless others who returned, but also of my best friend, Levi Ackerman. The Impossible Survivor. "Humanity's Strongest". He witnessed things that would drive any other person past the brink.

He pushed himself to the limits to try and save those dearest to him. And he persevered when it mattered the most - both overseas and home. Because though the world had been merciless to him, it had shown him the beauty and worth of not simply surviving day to day, but  **living**. Of never giving up, even when shit hits the fan. And after I saw the changes in him as he began the road to recovery, to beating PTSD, I knew - the world will tear us down and "rip us a new one", so to speak, but we can come back stronger and better every time. Just like Levi. And that is the beauty of this seemingly merciless world."

**Here is a transcript of Corporal Levi Ackerman's interview with Rita West:**

"Levi, would you mind telling us about how you carried your teammates out and the events leading up to the capture?"

"... I suppose not. I'd already been shot so there was blood everywhere as I hauled Zoe Hange off me to reach Erwin. I couldn't feel anything - no pain, just adrenaline and the need to get them to a safer place. People were still shooting - friendly, enemy, I couldn't tell. I was too busy hefting Erwin up. Guess it might have been hard another time, but I was on autopilot. Couldn't tie his hands together to make a secure grasp, so I had to somehow heft him up onto my back and carry him thirty yards to a sheltered spot.

"Zoe stumbled up after a moment, though she couldn't help - too dazed… The second I set him down and radioed for help, I looked at her. She told me - begged me not to go. I had to. Those were my friends. I shot an enemy as I dashed across the road to the building they had entered.

"I found Petra in the first room. A grenade had gone off, sent her flying into a wall and covered her with all kinds of crap. She was conscious when I started pulling things off, though by the time I managed to get her on my back, she was out. The second she was beside Erwin and Zoe, I ran back in. Found Erd…"

**-Ackerman pauses to take a deep breath, face tight and hands clenched by his sides before he continues.-**

"He was riddled with bullets. There were so many… An unbelieveable amount. But he managed to scream at me, told me to get the fuck out even as I tied some makeshift bandages around his wounds and hauled him out. He was bigger than Petra, smaller than Erwin, but I didn't feel a thing. Just knew I had to get him out. The rescue helicopter wasn't even close when I got Erd out.

"I knew there was still time - knew I couldn't leave the others behind. So I went back. And… Oluo and Gunther were in the next section I cleared. Found them after I killed two insurgents. Gunther… Shit. I couldn't help him. There was a bullet hole right there… Right fucking there.

**-Ackerman gestures ambiguously toward his body to the general area of where Gunther Schultz was hit.-**

"So I grabbed Oluo. He was awake. Begging me to leave him, to not be a hero and get my ass out of there. But he was begging God too. Asking to live. I didn't have to hear to know. I got him out fast, dashed back in, grabbed Gunther. He… He was a good man. Hell, they all were."

"Do you need a moment?"

"'m fine. Just… getting caught up in it… I went back in for Nanaba next. She had a dead insurgent half on her, a knife sticking out of his back and a deep cut just above her temple. Unconscious from falling and bashing her head. I barely remember getting her out and heading back in. Just remember seeing Ilse and Mike.

"He was in worse shape, Mike was. He'd been stabbed and shot in the side. I don't know how many times. Just know it was a lot. He was unconscious when I grabbed him, hauled him onto my shoulders. He was a big man. Bigger than Erwin, definitely a little heavier. I couldn't go fast enough. Couldn't… could never go fast enough. Not to save him. I wasn't even out of the compound when I felt his heart stop."

**-Ackerman stands abruptly, excuses himself, and does not return for several long minutes. When he does, he insists they move on to another topic, refusing to comment any more on his heroic actions concerning attempting to save the lives of his teammates.-**

**It is confirmed that he returned to the compound to carry Ilse Langer out and to safety, but was assaulted by a sizeable group of insurgents before he could reach her. He was hit across the head at least once and any other injuries that were sustained are unknown. However, the helicopter arrived seconds after he disappeared back into the compound - this time for good. The team waited as long as possible, but had to depart due to the wounds inflicted upon the group.**

**Another helicopter and four land rovers were sent out to search and recover. They found Sergent Langer deceased via a gunshot through the abdomen and through the forehead, the latter most likely inflicted as Ackerman returned to retrieve her. There were signs of a struggle and blood that was confirmed to be Corporal Ackerman's, though it was soon to be believe that he had either become a prisoner of war or was deceased, being one of the numerous bodies in the area to be crushed and unidentifiable because of debris.**

**Later, his death was officially recorded and a funeral was held, at which he received the Medal of Honor, a Purple Heart, and several others (see page 419). This was renounced approximately sixteen months later when General Pixis reported that Corporal Levi Ackerman had been found in a hospital nearly four hundred miles from the compound...**

* * *

Levi squirmed a bit, his perch on the roof slightly awkward with the raised slate digging into his ass and the fat cat perched on his chest. "Piper," he muttered as he rubbed her head, appeasing the cat and earning a massive purr, "We need to put you on a diet… I think you're crushing my lungs." The three-legged cat merely carried on with her power-purring and tucked her head against his chest. He didn't mind. It was a comforting weight, one of the many things he had grown accustomed to in the last two years.

Things were easier. Not so hard, not any more. For any of them. His panic attacks had dwindled from what felt like one every day to perhaps one or two in a month. Noises and pictures rarely set him off anymore. It was mainly just the dreams that haunted him, reminding him of a past he would never, could never forget. He'd gained weight, returned to his former glory - with some new trophies on his body. But those were alright.

He would never love them, but they didn't bother Erwin, so Levi could give less of a damn. Erwin was alright too. His prosthesis served him well, helping to ease the symptoms of that damnable phantom limb syndrome until they rarely cropped up. And whenever the pain of those unreal nerves or the memories of war grew too much for either of them, they always had someone to turn to, someone to hold them and carry them through the fear and agony. They were no longer just surviving. They were  _living_.

They'd lost so many along the way - Erd, Gunther, Mike, Ilse, Armin. Armin, who had passed away in his sleep nearly a year after he entered his coma. He never woke up, never opened those sky blue eyes again.  _I hope you're in a better place, Armin Arlert._ Him and the rest, everyone who had passed on far too soon.

Levi's hand tightened around Piper's neck scruff before it relaxed and rose, blocking out the sight of thousands of stars - bright, large, small, dim. The moon settled between his fingers, full and filled with a brilliant luminescence that drenched everything in silver.  _Finally._  He could finally see the stars in the sky, the bright side of the moon. His scars had healed, on his arms and the rest of his body. Ugly reminders of the misery of life: and of the good things that accompanied the woes. Because despite those hideous scars and all those mistakes, there was one thing that made it all worth it.

A slim band of silver with a tiny gem that caught every beam of moonlight as he held it to the light. A tiny smile curled the corners of his lips. "Thank you, Erwin."

_We never broke. We were just bending._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gods guys I can't believe it's over... Thank you so very much for reading!!!!!!  
> I'll be posting more stories soon, especially once softball season ends so be patient for longer stories until then! I love you all~ Have a wonderful day/night/existence.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading chapter 1 of "Bending and Breaking"! If you notice any errors (grammar, spelling), I apologize - I currently am without beta and so am doing the best I can. Though if you'd be willing...  
> Anyway, love all of you for reading and many thanks to my Commander for reading this and being my test subject on multiple stories (soon to hit the shelves of FF and AO3), RP and cosplay friend, and an awesome gal!  
> This is also on Fanfiction at fairylights101! Check my Tumblr (fairylights101) for updates under #BAB_fic or #BendingAndBreaking_fic. And just shit blogging in general.  
> Have a wonderful day/night/existence~  
> Until next week, farewell!


End file.
